Often people struggle to leave relationships for the same reason they struggle to leave the fruit machine.
The fear that just after they leave it’s going to pay out. Or their boyfriend/girlfriend is going to become this miraculous partner and someone else gains from all their effort.
Here’s a question I received in that vein…
I found your report while I was looking for ways to get my ex-boyfriend back or learn to be happy without him.
I decided to subscribe, because I think I can use all the help I can get.
Me and my ex-boyfriend were together for 3 years and we saw each other almost every single day, because we’ re in the same class.
Now we had some small fights lately and he broke up with me a bit more than a month ago.
For 2 weeks after the break-up we kept fighting, because he wanted to be best friends and later on he didn’t want to talk to me at all.
And I tried to convince him to just solve the problems.
After those two week I didn’t contact him for a while.
Now a couple of days ago a mutual friend said that he had talked to my ex and that my ex-boyfriend had said that he there were some things he didn’t like in the relationship and that he felt that he had to give up more for the relationship then I did.
That is not really true, but I know what he means and I know how to solve it.
The problem is that he doesn’t want to solve things and he doesn’t know that our mutual friend told me this.
I don’t think that the connection we had is easy to find again and I know he truly loved me.
But I’m afraid that there is not much I can do, I hope that with time and if I act nice/normal to him he will realize that our relationship was special.
So I don’t want to forget my ex-boyfriend, I just want to learn to believe in myself and be able to be happy and have faith that everything will be okay.
So kind of boost my self-esteem that I am actually worth something, because everyday I feel like maybe I’m just a worthless person and he won’t miss me or anything like that.
I hope you can help me.
The Four Areas to consider
There are four elements in this email that we can look at…
Step one is always the same. What do you really want? In this case you have to think wider than your ex and the relationship. What do you want from life?
When you start from that basis you have a clear vision of what you want and you can fit your ex into that vision.
Preferably do it with a faceless someone, focusing on how you feel being with them and the dynamic between you both, because while I know from experience that it’s so easy to only see one person in your future. And since you can’t control what other people think or feel it can be setting yourself up to get stuck.
Release Attachments… Release Pain
The second part is understanding that emotional pain comes from our attachments.
Therefore if we release ourselves from our attachments, we release ourselves from our pain.
Where you are headed at the moment seems to be a focusing of how close you both came to making that work.
Because he has some of the qualities, the connection you had, feeling that… if only…
If that is true than life will bring you both together again and you don’t have to do anything to make it happen.
If he really feels it too, he’ll be drawn to you and will come to you.
Actions Speak so much louder than words
You see, the other part of this is that after a break up people need to develop a story for why the relationship didn’t work.
We are taught and conditioned that we should be in a relationship and when one doesn’t work there is a sense of failure often.
So to save face and move on socially people need to come up with a story that explains why the relationship didn’t work and why it doesn’t reflect on them so that they can move on into future relationships.
So I wouldn’t give too much credence to what he has said to a mutual friend. It is easy to overthink words without knowing the context.
When really what he is saying is to save face so other girls don’t think he is fickle or untrustworthy.
If he really wanted to be in the relationship and wasn’t honest and mature enough to tell you, then he’s not someone you can ever have some lasting bond that will survive tough times. I suspect that’s more of a smokescreen.
You Get To Decide What Your Value Is By Your Actions
Which leads me onto the final message I have for you.
Whether he remembers you fondly or has forgotten who you are, has no connection to whether you are a worthwhile person.
You cannot look to other people to know whether you have value or not.
How your ex-boyfriend, or anyone treats you, is a reflection of what they want in life.
I suspect he is not emotionally ready for a deeper relationship and perhaps he felt that and was looking for a way out.
You cannot know what someone else is thinking, often what they say is different than what they really feel, and so you do not know what they really want from you.
Let’s think about this for a moment… Say some poor young girl is kidnapped and dragged from her home and held hostage as a sex slave.
All day long she services man after man to earn her Captor’s money.
The hundreds of men she encounters, see her as a tool, a toy, for their pleasure. Is that her value?
Yet in another set of circumstances her sharp intelligence could have solved scientific or social problems.
Her bright personality could have brightened people’s day.
Her empathy and caring could have made people feel strong in times of doubt.
Hopefully you get the idea, value is not inherent in someone.
Just as value is not inherent in anything.
Diamonds like any precious gem do not have inherent value, they get their value from the way that we perceive them.
And actually Diamonds have a fascinating story in how they have a contrived association with romance that has, through marketing made them seem the choice for love.
Your value as a person is not either there or not since birth.
Your value is in what you will do and how you will affect other people.
You can either do this by sitting there and waiting for other people to fit you into their story.
However they choose to do this and then read their story and decide if the world finds you to be valuable or worthless.
Or you can decide who you want to be.
How you want people to see you and the value that you bring to them.
And go out and bring to the world what you see it needs.
Make the changes you see need to be made.
Then look at what you have done in as detached a way as possible.
If you see you are worthwhile do more of that.
If not adapt and work until what you do is valuable.
Then as you go about the course of your life you will meet people that are far more compatible for you and that you can have an ever increasing connection with.
Because now you are beaming out the value that you have.
You are clearly expressing from your actions and intentions what you have to offer.
Can you see how much more appealing this is than the strategy everyone else applies in attracting a potential Partner?
Typically girls will take a lot of effort to look good. They may show how kind they are to cats and children.
They will mind their p’s and q’s to show that they are not an embarrassment.
They will be nice to people.
So all people see is a pretty girl, like almost all over pretty girls.
So what they attract is someone who values their looks.
Whereas someone out busy showing the world what really matters to them and who they are by their action may attract less people.
Or they may not.
However they attract people who are interested specifically in them,.
Not in some commodity that they could get from them or a hundred other similar girls.
So my message is to go out and lead a full life doing what matters to you.
And let relationships develop in the course of that living, but do not make them bigger than you and what you are about.
Otherwise you’ll lose yourself and in doing so you’ll lose that which attracts people to you… the real you.