There is only one thing between you and everything you want!
So let’s say the one thing you’ve always wanted in life is a happy, loving relationship with a partner that adores you.
The barrier isn’t;
- A lack of good men
- Not being the most beautiful
- Choosing men/women who let you down.
- Not finding the One
Or any of the other things you thought it was. These are anxieties. Worries of what could happen or be true. The real problem is fear.
People have historically talked about evil. About malevolent forces that exist solely to do harm. I don’t believe there is such a force. I think that people do evil things from fear.
If there isn’t a country in the world with a Department of Attack, why do we all need a Defence Department?
Why does no-one think they’re the bad guy in any of their conflicts?
The problem is we all think we are defending ourselves. When was the last time a country invaded England or America? Yet we often go off to war in ‘defence’ of our country.
All of our conflicts are based on the fear that we are being attacked. And so other people have to ‘defend’ themselves.
There are only two forces. Our natural state of love. And fear. In the absence of fear we feel happy and loving. Our emotion is determined the extent of fear we have. So frustration, anger and anxiety are all degrees and expressions of fear.
Fear is our instinctive warning system. Just as a Fire Alarm will override every noise to get our attention, so too will our fears override everything else that we are thinking or doing.
Fear is the underlying force that can make us do anything. Anxiety is the specific worry. Left unchallenged this will magnify and escalate into the greatest fear that the anxiety could lead to.
Let me share my model of how emotions are created so that we have a working model of how to manage our emotions.
In life we have three great challenges.
- We need to establish a role or place in the world. We need to find and use our talents and strengths to establish our value so that we feel worthy and also gain access to resources for survival.
- We need to feel that we belong in the tribe. We need to feel that people care about us and that we are loved and love.
- We need to feel that our life had some purpose so that in some way we have made a difference.
Correspondingly, we have three great fears.
- I’m useless and worthless.
- I’m unloveable.
- My life won’t have mattered.
Every interaction we have is judged by referring to these three challenges. So when Beryl criticises our work or steals credit for it, it causes us anger or anxiety because it is evidence that our first challenge is in question.
When Dave asks everyone other than us to his 50th party it makes us feel that we don’t belong to the tribe.
When we see all our work is doing, is satisfying some subjective criteria on some bureaucratic form it makes us question the impact we have on the world.
Fear is a rollercoaster. If you don’t face your fear it will run you all the way to the worst eventuality in order to get your attention and to act.
So, losing your job or business failure leads to… “I won’t be able to pay my bills. I’ll end up a homeless bum and starve to death.”
Being dumped leads to… “no-one will ever love me. I’ll never have love and my happy ever after. I’ll end up a crazy old cat lady.”
Feeling without purpose leads to… “I don’t matter. I’ll die and my life will have been completely without point.”
The two areas in life that are sure to tug at our emotions are money and our relationships. And often our emotions are the barrier to us getting the thing we want… to feel the emotions we want to feel.
Rejection and someone not liking or loving us makes us insecure because we think ‘if they don’t love (or like) me, other people won’t.
Maybe there’s something unloveable about me and others will see it too. Maybe no-one will love me. And then I’ll end up alone like some crazy old cat lady’.
Say for example, we want that happy ever after, but our anxiety that it won’t happen and fear of being rejected makes us push for an answer now. This leads us to blow up the relationship by making demands and ultimatums.
The other person feels pressured and controlled before they’re ready to make a decision and so they leave a relationship they might well have stayed in had it had a chance to develop.
Awareness is always the start of making a change. So let’s look at what’s happening here and how you can change the dynamics.
Money means survival to us. No money leads to being homeless and destitute and puts our survival into doubt.
Our relationships mean our place in the tribe. And losing our place puts our survival into doubt because few of us would survive totally alone.
Our North Star is always happiness, to feel good.
That doesn’t mean we don’t do things that make us feel bad.
Otherwise, we’d never exercise or pay bills. Sometimes we sacrifice what we want now, for what we believe will make us feel better in the longer term.
This is why people will do selfless things or why Terrorists will blow themselves up in the name of eternal joy.
It is important we understand this because otherwise we become at the mercy of our emotions and we justify what we do because of how we feel.
When we know that we feel as we do for a particular reason, we are in control.
Nothing happens randomly. There are just things that we don’t understand yet.
People think relationships are something that happens by chance of meeting the right one, but that’s not true.
There’s an algorithm that determines success. As I send out these emails you’ll start to see the patterns more and more. Then success is a matter of putting your knowledge into action.