Dump the baggage, lighten your load and move on to a brighter future
This guide is intending to give you the path to heal your past wounds so you can start a new relationship with a fresh slate to give it the best chance of working. If you achieve this, it will give you the capacity to love purely and so increase your chances of making your future relationships work.
The Problem With dating sites
Dating sites are pretty toxic places to hang out in. There’s an air of desperation, neediness and bitterness that creates antagonism, anger and anxiety.
All of these make building a loving and lasting relationship a challenge.
Many men and women have been so hurt that they often swear off relationships. Then they return halfheartedly to try again.
Many women are displaying their hurt and bitterness at men and hoping someone will prove them wrong against their expectations.
Men are seething at their ex who ‘took’ their money and believing women are only after their money.
Yet we have this biological drives for sex and romance that means we need each other. So we still keep trying.
Many of the relationships formed here are doomed because there are too many unhealed wounds and too little awareness of how to deal with them.
Every Victory Is First Won In Your Head First
Thousands of years ago Tsu Sun Szu wrote in his classic, The Art of War, that every battle is won before it is ever fought. What he noticed so profoundly was that an actual war is determined by an algorithm as much as Call of Duty or Fortnite are.
Each side has resources, soldiers, armoury and so on that determine their capacity.
Then there is the intelligence in their strategy of how they deploy these resources.
That and the strength of conviction, persistence and determination are what will determine the outcome of the battle.
In the same way, the outcome of every relationship is set at the time the couple meet.
There is an algorithm for how a relationship pans out. It goes something like this;
The blueprint of each individual is going to determine how they likely interact. Of course, most of this is hidden dormant for years, but becomes activated when the right circumstances occur. So for example, when kids are born, when the couple face extra stress from money, health and so on.
This blueprint is mediated by how much;
knowledge there is in the relationship which means they can navigate around these challenges.
Commitment and emotional resilience to persist when things get tough.
Relationship success is all about thresholds
I have no way of knowing if a particular relationship will work for you.
However, I work on the basis that if you can increase the probability of all aspects of a relationship working out, there’s a much greater chance of success.
Even if a specific relationship doesn’t workout, the odds are almost certain that you can get the relationship you want. It just can’t be guaranteed with a particular person.
So success in relationships is about thresholds.
There are certain people that a relationship is going to be easier with. And some it will be impossible to make work. This is why choice of partner is about 80% of the success equation.
However, the 20% that can make all the difference to a great choice, is the awareness and willingness to lubricate the inevitable friction within a relationship.
So what happens to most people carrying around past baggage is that they are conflicted internally. And so this comes across in their communication to a potential partner. There are mixed messages and ambivalence, which can be enough to snuff out an early spark.
At the risk of sounding like some hyper motivational speaker, it is true that we have to achieve in our own head before we achieve out in the world. While we are conflicted and full of doubt, that’s what we express to others
Healing Wounds Is Developing The Freedom to Love
When I was focused on helping people to lead happier lives, I used to have an equation for happiness. The equation or formula for happiness was;
The ability to make wise choices and the freedom and confidence to go for the things you want to achieve – the fear that holds you back x your sense of respect for yourself and others.
I always say that love and happiness are essentially the same thing, just from a different focus. So the confidence and freedom to pursue the relationship you want is an essential element to finding lasting love.
Many, many people are held back from forming relationships or smother relationships at the beginning because they are scared to love.
They are scared to love because their past relationships have taught them that love means being hurt. Love means being disappointed.
Often the disappointment, hurt and wounds they have suffered make them doubt that they could cope with a second dose.
Even if they are brave enough to try again in a relationship, they will go into it protecting themselves. It is a general rule of life that we tend to get what we focus on most.
So what we are doing when we heal past wounds is developing our capacity to love.
The Law of Attraction says that we get what we focus on most. Many people take this to be a mystical and spiritual law, but it’s actually a fact of reality. Life is so vast and so filled with possibilities that we can find evidence for every belief and we can experience everything we can imagine. All are possible and are occurring around us. But we only experience what we allow in.
This isn’t because of some mystical law, it’s scientific fact. In every moment we are processing around 60,000 separate pieces of data. Most of these we just discard. We focus on whatever we are focusing on at the moment. So when we focus all our attention on a perspective, we let in the data that supports that belief and experience the reality. It is our
When we bring this down to the practical level it means that within a relationship, we can bring out the best or worst elements of a situation and of a partner.
So first of all we have the choice of a number of potential partners. Who we choose then determines the range of the possible relationship quality.
How we act in the relationship and what we believe, determines what we activate and see in our partner. The more healed we are, the freer we are to activate the best in others and see the best in them.
The person that fears being hurt and wants to control every element of their partner’s behaviour gets a different action and relationship than one who trusts and lovingly empowers and frees them.
Before we can heal, we usually have to be aware that we are wounded. One of the 8 Foundational Relationship Principles is that we all have wounds.
Now, I would once have scoffed at that and denied I had any. I was fortunate to have been born into a loving family. I’m pretty stable emotionally and have been lucky not to have had any bad relationships.
Yet, I was terrified to speak in public. I’m still not very good at connecting with people. Most people have a bad first impression of me and think I’m aloof or arrogant.
I met Tracy Goodwin, who I did a podcast with and she has this great methodology called The Psychology of The Voice. Basically it is a way of fixing vocal problems, by understanding what they are reactions to.
Tracy coached me on her podcast and told me, my monotone delivery was about being terrified of letting people see the real me. That wasn’t because of anything particularly bad that had happened to me, but because of a misunderstanding. The kind of thing that happens to everyone when they are too young to understand better.
And so all of us have in some ways mislearned, misinterpreted and misunderstood things whether in childhood or in past relationships. These get wired into habits and beliefs that determine how we act and react. This then causes us to change how we interact with the world and/or people in our relationships.
How To Heal Past Relationship Wounds
When we get a physical wound, we might see a cut and then a scab forms and the skin hardens in that area. Some wounds make us limp or overcompensate. In some way the wound becomes part of our shell of how we face the world. Emotional wounds change us because they change our narrative. They tell us that the world is unsafe. They tell us that people won’t love us. They tell us that people will hurt and use us. They are essentially events that become part of our Operating System.
There are three levels that the narrative affects us on.
The Story Of Your Past
So the first stage is to look at what happened?
Looking at the timeline, what happened to you when?
What story have you told yourself about that incident?
How true is the story?
The Story Of You
What story have you told of what this means about you?
How has this changed how you think about yourself?
How has this affected relationships?
How might it affect future relationships?
The Story Of Your Future
What stories are you telling ourself about men/women/relationships because of this event?
How does it change how you trust or interact with potential romantic partners?
With people in general?
The Three Levels Of Transformation
All transformation in relationships is a journey of knowledge, skills and confidence.
Change happens on three levels.
- A change of awareness and knowledge
- A development of skills
- Gaining more confidence in your ability to achieve what you want
So what new perspectives will lead to your healing?
What skills do you need to acquire or develop?
What do you need to do to develop your confidence?