The Three Keys To Successful Relationships: Part One

    When you analyse a problem, you’ll find that most of the problem is in a lack of clarity and not defining the issue.

    I believe one of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships are that we see relationships as the goal.

    Relationships are a mechanism, but not the goal.

    The goal is connection. In this episode we went on a quest to understand connection and disconnection at a deeper level.

    Transcript

    [00:00]

    Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships. The podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. I believe that there’s free keys to relationships. So that’s what we’re going to do in the next free meet ups. So tonight we’re going to talk about key number one and I believe key number one is connection. So tonight, we’re going to be on a quest and we’ve got Betty and Janell’s leading our quest to look at the connection and disconnection.

    [00:49]

    So we started off in a breakout rooms by discussing when we felt from experience connected or disconnected in relationships. So what did you find? What ideas did you have or any comments, feedback from the discussion? I like the idea of connection or disconnection. Well, he felt that the central feeling at the heart of. Feeling connected is to be supported. So first of all, we look for examples where we felt connected and we kind of reversed, engineered and looked for examples where we didn’t feel connected.

    [01:37]

    So an example was where somebody was trying to communicate with someone and the person wasn’t listening because they were on the phone and they had a blank expression on their face. So we said the opposite of that. Then obviously to be listened to and to feel heard and to feel respected and the feelings around that word, to feel acknowledged and for someone to show a genuine interest and to ask questions, you also felt. Another example is when someone shows genuine concern and asks questions and it’s like what’s bothering you?

    [02:11]

    And they listen. So the feelings we have were like feeling lighter, feeling validated, respected, respected of your needs and empathy and uplifted and embraced. And really we felt that when people felt heard, they felt relaxed and at the central feeling. So that was to feel supported. And that that was what was one of the most important things to feel connected to someone like.

    [02:41]

    That’s great, thank you. Any other comments from that from that group? And what else? OK, journalist. We may need more find it, this connection, it’s coming from the communication, the behavior and expectations. So that came out that like object, the object is change or our common goal is change over the time. He showed us three changes in overtime, so like trying to get over.

    [03:25]

    It’s like it was a situation where somebody wanted to take the other one wanted for kids over the time. So they wanted weekend house or they wanted more like a flat. It can be between each other. It’s changed to goals like. That could be the case as well. Yes. Oh, yes. We had a contest issues as well when we feel disconnected. It’s unable, actually, to open the other person. So, yeah, honest communication is.

    [04:16]

    Too much comfort. OK, as in, they got complacent with each other and. Over the time, you know, after a couple of years, they get too much comfort with each other, so they’re not doing the same way like in the beginning.

    [04:35]

    Yeah, too much to keep and not compromise. One person to match, the other one is not compromise. OK? Distance getting critique and called. Distance and it’s critics and cause. OK. Lack of respect. And the personal presence. OK, so so like the other groups there where some of you are talking, but not really they’re.

    [05:18]

    OK, can I add something there, Rob? Yes, you just I mean, sometimes, you know, there might be a number of instances, but, you know, obviously sometimes you meet someone and it might be a bit lost in the it or, you know, oh, do make me laugh, you know? So it’s I’m not saying it’s first day, our first date stuff, but as you get into knows when you might go, that I forget all the, you know, really attractive.

    [05:47]

    And yeah, sometimes you might not know the personal first by you as you get to know one six months down the line. That’s why you might become disconnected, because it’s not all just about attraction and gone. They’re not fully twenty four, seven or every time you see them, they’re not fully normal because I see him five days a week now, but I only used to see him on a Saturday night. While all the effort that made me laugh, I’m trying to say and I’m going to quickly compare that to I used to see my son for two hours a week.

    [06:24]

    So that two hours is just a highlight, again, a day can be four hours, five hours, whatever it is, and it’s just it’s all good when you see somebody four times a week, it can’t all be good. Yeah, I wouldn’t say none gone well, I see in four days a week now, and he’s not falling all the time now, was we? What we used to eat once a week is full and. And I just got a few comments as well, will show that basically we’re talking about disconnection when a man goes into his cave, which is the classic book, Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, men retreat into the cave.

    [07:12]

    And that can confuse a woman is confuse me in the past. But I respect the differences. And I would also say that I like to retreat into my cave as well. But men don’t always understand that. So it’s kind of always getting a little bit of a stereotype in men. And then I apologize because I realized I needed to get more specific about my own experiences rather than generalize, which is the sense that I’m learning not to do that anymore.

    [07:43]

    But yeah, men, they retreat. But I would like the man when he retreat and say, OK, honey, I’m off for a while, you know, I got to think about this. I will be back and I’ll let you know they were ready to publish a man to just say a few things around that and they can spend all they want you to in the cave. But it’s not me, they said, like a few words of respect.

    [08:11]

    You got me.

    [08:13]

    Yeah, because I think what you’re saying is it’s not the fact that they go to the cave. It’s the fact that you don’t know why they’ve gone to the cave. You don’t know what that means.

    [08:28]

    Absolutely. That’s what I do.

    [08:31]

    But why do you need to know it’s there? It’s it’s probably a part of a ritual because I’m not a man, but I go into whatever it is that I go into.

    [08:42]

    Yeah. And to work when I come in after a hard day’s work, don’t speak to me. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I’m serious.

    [08:53]

    I must have my cup of tea and then I’ll have my shower. Then you can speak to me then.

    [09:02]

    It’s about communication because if, if one person goes into the cave and they want their space and they want to be left alone for the other person to feel content in that relationship, to still feel that connection, is it that they need to just simply communicate and be like, I need my space? The actually we need to understand first ourselves, what is that feeling? And to know, okay, I need a little time now and after the communication, but so many of us, we not even know I need time.

    [09:36]

    So it’s very difficult to get into the nation until you understand your own behavior, so first you need to understand yourself. Then after he was able to communicate expression, it should come from our first. We need to be able to express for ourselves, for our brain to let know what I actually want now time. And I thought that that makes sense.

    [10:02]

    I like the way you put that it starts with yourself and then communicating that honestly and openly.

    [10:09]

    Sometimes even we may not know why we are going into the cave, but you just find yourself there. But there’s just the emotion is just you just feel down and you just want to get on with it yourself and you don’t want to know how to talk to you about it. But you can’t save a man just like, yes, if I could crumble outside the cave financial center, that would make things really, really easy.

    [10:39]

    But as a mom tends to get more experience when I got into my cave rather than get bored and that’s what I got really mean and thought of why are we paying what what you know? And it’s like, I don’t a minute you can go into your case for what I go into. My case is like drama.

    [11:02]

    So I’d just like to say it’s actually chicken and black beans or some of.

    [11:10]

    Look, it’s not easy, but make sure you put out your socks in the board all your time. Thank you. And you did that.

    [11:22]

    See, I think that if we are communicating in general, we should have developed a sense of what a person.

    [11:35]

    What makes a person tick your partner tick what what their their work life is like, if it’s a stressful type of job or if they have long days, they come in very tired, et cetera, et cetera. And I think we can go some way in helping them by trying to understand just based on the cues that we’re seeing from them as well. And in that way, we can have a proper conversation.

    [12:08]

    We can ask questions because sometimes you are doing things and you don’t even realize that what you are doing is affecting the other person negatively.

    [12:21]

    I think what’s simple sometimes what’s happening because women are waiting for the most part, I feel so deep, deep to express their base, but sometimes it does. Well, I’m not just one side, but they just form and delete couples needs to switch off. But sometimes they should do that outside. But most of them they do in front of TV.

    [12:47]

    Excuse me, I’m not in waiting at home for men to come home and I see Rob died with laughter. But sometimes what man is waiting for wife to come home? Wife is the wife is the bigwig and her husband is junior to wife. Husband is waiting for wife to come home. What about that situation? No, come on. I used to work seven days a week, OK? I was on call as I at some point and I used to travel a lot.

    [13:20]

    I used to go to a lot of international conferences. Husband had to stay home with baby even though there was a helper. OK, so I am the grumpy one. I have no one to come home. I have a cave. Not here it goes. I’m not blowing my trumpet, OK? I’m just saying that it goes both ways and time to decompress and have some space. And to my mind, if I didn’t have that time to not speak, to let my hair down, just to take half the road close and just feel like a human being.

    [14:03]

    I don’t want to hear your problems. Don’t tell me about who’s doing what in the office and who did what. I can’t accommodate it. Give me half an hour and I’ll listen to you afterwards. I’m all yours, but just give me that space. And people are often scared.

    [14:20]

    To be honest. I want my generally all. If you try and communicate these things that no one’s perfect. But I think that when do go into that, just to give some indication if that’s what’s going on, even if it’s not worth it to communicate, just to give some indication, sometimes coming back and being left confused and then it just makes things worse.

    [14:43]

    And if you like, if you’re married, I absolutely get, you know, your partner inside and out, you know, all the nuances and all the other reasons. And you can like you, you can play off the keys, you know. But when you first date, when I was talking about when you first go out with somebody and you learned about them, say, in the first six months, unless were giving you stipulations, not like going to OK then.

    [15:11]

    And yet they they don’t contact you like ages and suddenly they appear and safely and you think where the hell if they know, you know, if there’s no communication that needs to be more communication. You know, it’s so important. One of my love languages is how a man communicates with me. That is my love language. How many presidents like that, but how often communicated with and what they bring the apple crumble or no? I’m not going to leave that other than what I think about the point that those made when he was saying that if you start seeing someone, I mean one night a week and it’s an awful and then you see the more and it’s not so much, how do you maintain the connection and.

    [15:58]

    Okay, yeah, that’s perfect timing. So whenever we talk, every problem or every situation has different levels. There’s the level of the content and that’s where we’re talking at the moment. And when you talk from the level of the content, it’s very emotive and you can’t really see much other than where you are in any actual conflict. So there is the content. There’s also the concept, what it’s about, and then there’s the concept context. So we’re going to go be abstract and look at the context so that we have a full understanding of connection and how it informs what it’s about, how we develop.

    [16:42]

    And then the question is going to be then to bring it back down to the content. So we have a bird’s eye view and so we can see the different sides. Okay, so. All right, so we’re going to go abstract. Okay, so, you know, there’s the old case. First of all, a quick. Four on this and your first responses to what is connection and what is this connection? We cannot choose to feel known and to feel alone, you need to feel seen and heard and respected and valued.

    [17:28]

    OK. Also my lover. Should write a book, should write a book, you know, not love what you say. Does anyone else have any views on connection, this connection, connection is things in common? No, you’re being listened to and not just if I take it. If somebody listens here on the. They’ve hated on what you’ve told them, so hang on, I hate it that you keep putting your feet up on a buffet two days later, every day of the week, the next week, you still put your feet up on the buffet.

    [18:15]

    And again, I’ll give you a quick example. One of my exes sometimes when she got annoyed. She make sometimes moments of making me jealous with all the men. And I kind of said she thought that would draw me closer, and I said, no, it pushes me away and yet two months down the line, she’ll go. You should be spending more time with me when I go out on a night out. You want me to go out?

    [18:48]

    I do have all the men who tried to chat to me. So trying to make me jealous going or if you would want to see me. Absolutely. Fifty two weekends a year, then I want to get that attention. So trying to say, hang on, I am being, you know, all the guys do try and shut me up sometimes when I go out with the girls. So it’s like so I’m trying to my little point of saying, hang on, I’m not just are you being listened?

    [19:16]

    Are you acting upon what I’m telling you is my summer say, hang on, I’m telling you, don’t keep trying to make me jealous because it’s just scaring me off you.

    [19:27]

    So what you’ve been told also so, you know, in your acting upon it, so so we always move towards connection or away from connection and we want the connection. And so what we do is people try to manipulate or control to get the connection, but we’re going to go even higher. And this is going to sound really strange. But, you know, there’s the old kind of if a tree falls and no one is there, does it make a sound?

    [20:05]

    OK, if so, to connect, if we look at a definition of connection, it’s to join with something, to be able to be a part of something. If you do something and no one’s there, did you do it? No, yeah, because we’re, you know, like the power of now the guy who wrote the article. Oh, yeah. He talks about the power of interconnectedness, web of the web of interconnected. Now, I believe every action is an equal and opposite reaction.

    [20:47]

    OK, I’m going to start without somebody there to hear the tree falling. There is no sound. So it’s the perception. I’m going to say the connection doesn’t work if there isn’t anyone to see the other side.

    [20:58]

    I’m sorry that I’m just saying. Well, it’s maybe two quick instances. Instrumentalities, I’d say yes, people will realize because if I throw a stone into a like ripples maybe in two minutes time, nobody’s going to realize what a chop down a tree and then somebody who’s been there the day before and been near that tree, there’ll be some instances where people really will realize there are after effects to people’s actions.

    [21:32]

    Okay. Yes. So this sort of there’s consequences. But in terms of like, does it make a sound in order to have a sound, you’ve got to have something that makes the stimulus and you’ve got to have the response. So does it make a sound? Not if no one is there to hear it. So there is a consequence. But what I’m talking about and you picked up on the interconnectedness, which is very true. But what I’m talking about is if there was total disconnection.

    [22:08]

    So I’m thinking is that there is a film is the space man where he was just like alone and just did things and he was in a different world. So if he does something, does he actually do it? So there’s no one there to have any consequence, there’s no well, if you believe in fate. I mean, we could we could go into an existential conversation about this. I got a face. I would say hundred percent. Yes.

    [22:37]

    Because for me, this is beyond human concepts. Anyway, my witness I’ve got I’ve got to say, I have a witness. There’s always going to be a witness.

    [22:48]

    So what’s the example in somebody’s space and what happened?

    [22:52]

    Yeah, there’s a film, The Spaceman, where he goes up to Space Station and he’s completely alone on the planet. He so he’s living there surviving, but he’s got. No, no. So there’s no one around. So I’m just thinking about that if you determinant.

    [23:17]

    Yeah.

    [23:18]

    Well, I mean, this just comes sorry. This just comes back to Schrödinger. Is the battery life until you observe it hasn’t happened is physics. So therefore it’s internments. Until you observe it, it doesn’t happen. Or not happened, so it’s indeterminate. You can’t say either way, OK, because you have not perceived but if you knew the person who was doing the action, if you have expended energy, then you have done something. You have some that yourself.

    [23:51]

    Yes, yeah, the meaning of shared experience as well. Maybe you can explain that you’ve already obviously. And I’m like, yeah, okay, I’m sharing things and that maybe, yeah, I think that’s called intersubjectivity shared meaning she got it to individual people and then the overlap is the shared meaning into subjectivity, into interested in the subject, obviously is an interesting concept to read about. Hmm.

    [24:33]

    OK, so another way of looking at it is I remember a few years ago my daughter was into Minecraft when it first came out. And Minecraft is I played it once, twice, and it’s basically you start with nothing, you’re just this person in this like. Blank landscape, and then you have to go and get stuff and like chop down a tree or get this block or something and you build your house. And then you build like a deck around and then you build weapons and you have animals and all these kind of things, and gradually you build your reality.

    [25:15]

    And what I was thinking about, that’s really how we build all the world. It’s we connect to institutions. We connect to family. We connect to people. We connect to ideas. We connect to beliefs. We connect cultures. And all of these create are. Experience of life. OK, does that make sense? So far, so, um, so our reality is created from Conexion. Because in this connection, like, who are we without that connection, because everything that we do is in relation to someone else, as Sara said, about the into intersubjectivity and insider connectedness that.

    [26:10]

    What we do, we need some context, so we have the context of a relationship and all relationships are who are we in relation to this? Who are we in relation to this idea, who we in relation to this person? So our experience and our meaning of life is created from our. What we can act with. Does that make sense? It’s more like the prince. More like the experience, yeah. Yes, because the subjective reality is all the same, but what we connect with as an idea is a belief and then the people that we connect with are what’s going to create our.

    [26:56]

    Experience of life. What was it about connecting with an idea or belief? Well, if you if you connect, so if you connect to an idea, so let’s think of an idea. So let’s say intersubjectivity. Now, if you’ve never heard of that, never thought about that concept, you go through life without ever noticing anything. But now that Sarah has mentioned it and maybe someone will see it again somewhere or read a book on it, and then you’re going to notice in your experience, you’re going to notice.

    [27:36]

    OK, that’s like the concept of that. So imagine if you if you’ve never had if you’ve never known a car like you’d come out of, like some Mowgli or Tarzan or something been brought from the jungle, never seen and suddenly understand, cause that changes your experience because you connect to that idea. So so the Internet has changed then. We’re probably all old enough to have experienced life before Internet. Does anyone not known life before Internet? So the Internet has changed all of our experience.

    [28:18]

    Because, like, definitely when I grew up, there was, you know, we never had that, and then suddenly we shopping online, we’re meeting people online, we we’re all here talking online. So that idea has changed our experienced.

    [28:37]

    The people that we make, the relationships that we have. Also change us. So that we learn something from this relationship, we get exposed to different ideas, different personalities, and we learn from that experience.

    [28:54]

    So connection. Is really the core of relationships, connection is in the part of relationships, relationship is a part of connection because the experience of being human. Is about connection, because that’s that’s more about how we create the reality is about the quality of reality that we have. So the when we were in a relationship and we feel connected, that’s when we feel love, we feel validated, we feel alive, we feel all of those things.

    [29:40]

    Are about when we’re deeply connected and when we’re deeply connected with someone or we have an idea or we have an experience, or if we really believe, if we’re really devout religious and we really connected to those ideas, that makes that brings us life, energy, love, all of those things when we disconnected from something. We feel the opposite. Does that make sense so far? Oh, OK, so for the next level of the quest is to look at.

    [30:25]

    Not just in terms of relationship, because we’re going to go big bigger here first, because what we’re all looking for from the relationship is connection. So if we understand the connection, then like in a higher level sense, we can then come back and bring it into the relationship. Like then we are, because we understand connection better, we can understand it within the context of a relationship, does that make sense? So, Betty, your group was talking about connection.

    [30:57]

    What you and journalist whose was talking about this disconnection so stellar, I think everyone else was here. So what we do is we broke up into two groups and we’re on a quest looking to understand connection and the other group is looking at to understand this connection. So we’re going to go back into the breakout rooms and to try and break down. We know you’ve covered it in some of what you said back, so just to clarify, what does this collection feel like, what the connection feel like, some of the ideas you’ve already got down.

    [31:39]

    So do you think we could do this five minutes? OK, so going to go five minutes into the breakout rooms. We’re going to try and you should be able to list like if you grab a text box. I don’t know, can people get into that and.

    [32:12]

    And their contributions. Not that I’m aware. OK, all right, so they start with the disconnection group. I can’t do it. Fortunately, we go to the no confidence, OK? I’m just trying to find quickly. Fear, fear, fear of lost. And get. He killed. Greif. Sadness, right? Pride, pride, pride right here. Yeah. Chelsea. And Chhim. And I also I’m sorry, resentful and resentful with.

    [33:40]

    House irritation irritated if. OK, so. Now, that group. It looks like we might lose this connection as well, actually. OK, so you can similar where I can give you the bits we’ve got picture insecurity, powerless fear, lack of control, frustrated, alone, angry, resentful, rejected, sad, disappointed, helpless, hopeless, disempowered, rejected, vengeful. So we disconnected. OK, ok. So then quickly as a group, how does connect when you feel really connected to someone to something like this in the context of relationship when you feel really connected to someone.

    [34:42]

    How does it feel? And everyone, if you just, um, you can just quickly. I can type I think he present with the person a sense of presence and a really good rapport. I guess these aren’t really emotions, are they? Often present?

    [35:05]

    Might be rapport, maybe not. But what do you feel when you report? A lot of Mary, Mary and Harmony were in harmony and Harmony says. It’s a woman, it’s effortless, okay, so effortless is there for the emotion, not really. Yeah. Yeah, so yes. So relaxed, relaxed and comfortable.

    [35:37]

    Relaxed. That’s relaxed.

    [35:38]

    Laughs. These are full of lots of things could be lost. It’s a kind of connection that you need to know how to laugh at the other person’s content, content, content.

    [36:02]

    You know, this is actually a sense of belonging and same.

    [36:11]

    Glitch. Courage, yes. So you have more courage because it yes, you’ll feel more fulfilled, so obviously because of that, you actually more brave, you go out than you do defeats powerful like religionists as well. We could see for a moment to be in this building the morphine’s willingness, its willingness, emotion, enthusiastic. It’s kind of OK.

    [36:42]

    But if rather than more really courageous, this brave, isn’t it? Yeah. It would it would it be would it be a mix of confident, a confident, confident willingness? Sorry, someone spoken.

    [36:58]

    I didn’t I missed it, enthusiastic to ask was there?

    [37:03]

    And I would be motivated. I think probably. Yeah. Light hearted, happy, joyous joy.

    [37:15]

    Yes, it’s actually I don’t think I have a right to say that.

    [37:24]

    Is that gone off the screen? You can see it if I go. Okay. So, all right. So now when we look at this. Well, what does that tell us about connection? So when we look at the scale from disconnected to connected. More political connections. Or connections. Yes. And this this really goes to what the governments talk about relationships, they should be a safecracking that that gives us the courage and the bravery and confidence to go out and do all the stuff that we want to in the world.

    [38:13]

    So, OK, so this is why I say that connection is the key of relationships. It’s the it’s the bigger thing than relationships. What we’re really after is connection. And relationships are a part of or a mechanism through which when we get that connection. Guess I’m going to.

    [38:38]

    So I was going to say, I guess because it’s almost like a spectrum from a low energy level, but this connection to high energy level, the connection yet. So you got David Hawkins.

    [38:52]

    Yeah, I did not mean to say stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

    [39:01]

    Yeah, okay. Yes. Basically, that’s what this book is about. And he says power is when you above the line, which is all the things have been connected and force is where you’re trying to control things. You try and force things to happen, which is when you’re disconnected. Okay, so. So we talked about that now. So now let’s talk about a couple of people mentioned about, like in the relationship, how you lose the connection or how do you deepen the connection?

    [39:48]

    That was talking about you have to see someone in a dating relationship and then it becomes more serious and you see more of them, the novelty and rather than being the highlight of the week, it just becomes ordinary. So just going to share share this image. So this isn’t like a definitive thing, it’s just something I just don’t up quickly before this. But basically when you look at a person, they they start from themself and then they because they start to connect with ideas and they connect with the culture and they get conditioned by the culture that we are in.

    [40:42]

    And somewhere they pick up values and then their identity is somewhere. As a toddler, as a toddler grows up, they get a sense of themselves being separate. There’s a like a stage in child development where they’re not aware that they’re any different from their surroundings. And then this is when babies start to look at themselves in mirrors and realize that then there’s a separation from them in the world and that’s the forming of identity. And so most of what we do is because of who we believe we are.

    [41:25]

    And then there’s roles we play, roles we become aware are the mom, dad, I’m a I’m an accountant, I’m a sports person or whatever you are. And then we have affiliations. So I work at Coca-Cola. I’m I’m a Catholic or I’m a. Whatever and today makes sense. Rob, I’m looking at this and I’m questioning whether you have culture, because to me, I would think that culture would be above affiliations because it is within that context that all of those things take place.

    [42:16]

    Yeah, these are this isn’t really a set model or anything. It’s just something I put together quickly. So I think culture could be. It could be weak, but it’s also there’s there’s something about when we grow up, if we grow up in the Western world, we’re given a certain culture. We believe certain things. So like in our world is very individualistic, individualistic, and we have that orientation. If we grew up in Japan, we have a very different idea.

    [42:54]

    And the less individual and more about the. You know, there’s a kind of a difference between the eastern world and the Western world in terms of individualism and community. Does that make sense? So I wait for this for the purposes of this is not saying that this is the exact way it goes, but these are some of the concepts that make up a person. So it may not be that order. But these are the different some of the different levels and there are more.

    [43:39]

    Does that make sense? I was just thinking about it in the sense that your culture defines you as long as you are in that culture. Well, even if you leave, some aspects of it still will follow you wherever. And so it contributes to all of those other influences, all of those other issues that you have. A family as well as the child will decide what our beliefs are coming to our parents.

    [44:16]

    I was going to say that actually I can cultivation if it was a plant, it’s the soil that that plant is that seems being planted. And I think that’s what you mean by culture. There is the widest sense of culture, but that’s also, you know, how they cultivate it, if you like environment. Yeah, I think there’s different levels. And the level that I had in mind was the that very first your first awareness of the world comes from that.

    [44:44]

    So, for example, if we look at accidents, they come from where you are in the first seven years generally. And in those seven years, like 70 percent of all our neural connections are wired up in the first seven years. So that basis of how we see the world is the first printing that we have so far. Someone mentioned family, in fact. So family are. And it I think until you’re an adult, until you start maybe getting in a relationship and you see someone else’s family or maybe you have friends and you go to other people’s homes and you say that they don’t all do the same thing and individual families have cultures, but we don’t realize that until we go into someone else’s.

    [45:34]

    So I don’t know exactly where they’re where they go, but they are different levels. So, for example, like the affiliation of where I work is much less than a value that like I’ll live or die by Salaf. Last week we did the Helyer die on. And that’s really the values that are really core that mean everything to you and. So where you work, that’s transitory. And there’s certain cultural influences that are. Very superficial. So wouldn’t you say then that next to Courcelles, then possibly familial norms change for the term?

    [46:32]

    Yeah, that’s because that’s your call and that’s what sets you up for life.

    [46:38]

    Yeah, I don’t know. I haven’t really looked into that enough to be definitive, and I’m not sure we can because some to some extent it’s individual because like 70 percent is like down. But some of that we override, like if we leave our culture when we suddenly or we completely disagree with our family and move away and we like polar opposite. So so the idea is that each person has different levels. Now, when you when you first meet someone, say, on a dating site.

    [47:18]

    You only see the outer layer layer. So you see what they look like. You see what they tell you and what they’re going to tell you is that their job, their height, their appearance, their hobbies, these are all the kinds of things that you’re happy for almost anyone to know. And then when we get to the core group, the core self, it’s all the things that we don’t feel good enough is all of the anxieties that we have.

    [47:50]

    It’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to us is the secret that we don’t we wish no one ever knew all of those things that you see from what we’re happy for everyone to know, to what we may or may not let one or two people know. So those lies now how connected we are. Is about how deep inside layers we go. Does that make sense? They are the person with the. Yes. How much they let us in, because people often talk about, you know, I can’t know anything about them, they just find I mean, someone’s got so much defensive that they just keep Stuckey’s that level.

    [48:48]

    This is as much as you know about me. I’m not telling you anymore because I’m scared to. So connection. So connection is really about self disclosure when you tell someone something that makes you vulnerable.

    [49:08]

    That’s what connects people. That’s what that’s what connects humans. When you tell them something that makes you vulnerable, but also that they accept you because this is the part of they’re not accepting you happens that supposedly there was the connection.

    [49:23]

    Yes. Yeah. So self disclosure is the mechanism. So if they respond in a way like that hurts you or unaccepting, then you you disconnect. But assuming that they respond appropriately and so on, that is the mechanism of how we connect. So which school do you belong to, the school of full disclosure or the school that you tell only what is required to be done?

    [49:58]

    OK, so let’s have a debate. Who by show of hands, who is in full disclosure? And who is in nondisclosures? Non. Did you say or limit your disclosure liberties not complete, no telling you anything about me. I’m going to put these things in private I know, to save my life.

    [50:35]

    I’m not going to sell my limited cell. OK, so gradual as well.

    [50:43]

    Well, you know that so many respects. But then again, you know, whether you’ve got 10 layers and you compare it to an onion came along on, you know, as you peel it off and you reveal your layers, you might still only want to reveal nine out of 10 because you don’t know what else you have to jump one way or the other. Other disclosure or non-disclosure.

    [51:10]

    Somebody might have a bad childhood and they might say, you know, I’ll tell you three things out of five, but I don’t want to disclose all five. I don’t want to dig up the past. Yeah, I think I think this is all about no matter what you tend to is in it rather than it’s really full disclosure. And I think that’s right. I think there is a point everyone’s got a set point of how much to let someone in.

    [51:37]

    That point is the amount of connection you can have, because if you don’t let anyone in anymore, you can’t connect anymore that much more. What makes that set point, does that relate to attachment style? Is really attachment and anxiety and fear, because what’s the cost of letting someone in? What the rescues against the risk that you could do, you could get rejected because you’re vulnerable face having the courage to take that risk. I’m wondering when you talk about a set point that seems to be a habitual level, that’s probably something a person isn’t doing consciously.

    [52:22]

    That sounds like it relates to attachment style often.

    [52:27]

    And it can also be other things. And it’s not like you’re only going to go that far, but it’s OK. This is where I’m comfortable with. And it doesn’t mean that that doesn’t change and this isn’t like we’re not like books, that there’s 300 pages and once we get 200 pages, there’s nothing else to know about us because we continually writing the book. So there’s always more layers. But if you like it, if you look at it like someone who has the best relationship, they’ll know almost everything about each other and trust each other to share that.

    [53:10]

    So it’s it’s about how much you in because people change because the other thing I think you said earlier today was that or something to do with, like people, people will change.

    [53:28]

    We people think that everyone is the same, you know, like I I know you so well, therefore I don’t need to know you. These 10 years later was actually none of us are like a three hundred page book that’s written and we never change. We have a 300 page book that’s writing. And in 10 years we’ve gotten over 300 pages. And what happens in relationships is people think that, OK, I read that four hundred pages, I know about that book.

    [53:57]

    But actually in those ten years I’ve been rewriting the next book. So there’s always more connection, but the level of all of the positive things that we talked about in the list of the confidence of all of those things, they come from the connection. Now, if you get to that level and you think I know everything about that person. Then you start to disconnect because they’ve moved on and you’re still there, so you’re disconnecting. And the idea of saying, like, I know everything about you is.

    [54:38]

    Comes, it’s like disrespectful, isn’t it? It’s like saying, I know who you are when we haven’t really. And so that’s on the disconnection site. Does that mean that we have to keep we have to keep learning about someone positive, thinking we know everything? Yeah, OK, so we’ve only lived a few decades. Do we know everything about ourselves? Not. I mean, like all the time we’re learning about all I can do, you know, people are always surprised that they can do something that they couldn’t do that like unraveling the human personality so that none of us can do it and to assume that we know someone else because we’ve lived with them for, you know, like we’ve seen a snapshot of their life for 10 years.

    [55:29]

    It’s so that’s really comes down to when we talk about integrity, respect, kindness, respect is the key one of the key drivers of a relationship. This is what respect this is understanding. Like, who are you? And I want to find out constantly, because if you that’s that’s where someone feels validated, that’s where someone feels they have more self-esteem, they feel seen, they feel understood, they feel connected. They all of those things that we had and the connected, that’s the mechanism of how you have that connection.

    [56:06]

    So you seem to always be open and interested.

    [56:10]

    That’s the free keys are integrity. Do what you say. And this is respect. But that’s the mindset, you know, we all we all learning and all the time we should search out for something new over the time to learn something new. It’s the whole life. It’s lesson. Yeah. And we can learn with every single word from other person if you look at the meaning. Don’t look at the world. Look at the meaning behind. And if you look at that way, it’s take longer the lessons, but it’s more gradually connected.

    [56:53]

    Yeah, oh, yes, since I was just, as I say, one thing twelve months ago, what you would a lot of people didn’t know about each other was how we would deal with a pandemic without going into elbel. You couldn’t say, I know everything about you and I know how you’ll be without being able to go to the pope without being school for a meal. Having to work from home, there’s a lot of things maybe, you know, maybe, Rob, maybe two years ago you’d you might about this.

    [57:29]

    Well, prior to that, let’s say you might about this, get some people in a room. Well, now you’re doing it virtually. Yeah. And that’s an interesting point. So who has learned something about themselves during this pandemic? So that’s the key is like in relationships, is that there’s always something and Lajeunesse says the more that you know about something, the more interested you get. So, you know, like like people who hate maths at school, they’re like, oh, I don’t do math.

    [58:12]

    I don’t do maps because I had this both for my daughters. And I was like trying to help them with that. I don’t know. And then as soon as they start to understand a little bit, it becomes easier than probably not the best example, because neither of them love maths. But do you know, like when you start when you start something like you don’t know nothing about me for music or fashion or anything like that, I wouldn’t even know what the main concept.

    [58:45]

    But once you know enough to appreciate you because you have to know enough to appreciate it, but once you do, that whole thing of mastery is like fascination with it, because you can see how many more branches and you have to have knowledge to know what you don’t know. And to know what you want to study, basically, like the more you know about something, the more you’re aware of what you don’t know. David Hawkins really nicely described, is he actually saying 99 percent of our brain is silent and only one percent is the knowledge?

    [59:37]

    So you always have room to improve on that. Well, yeah, I mean, when you when you look like he’s trying to meditate. Yeah, and how was it? Became very difficult, really difficult, but I can do three hours without problem.

    [01:00:02]

    Wow. Wow. And it’s all the people most people aren’t even aware of all these voices going on in their head before they try and shut them up. I race and every day, how many times do we go through the day with who are you to say that, who you to to do that, you can’t be that all those kind of things that stop everyone from doing the things they want to do. OK, so, Rob, it sounds like you’re describing connection as something that’s living and evolving, but is something that you do once and then you leave it idle and say, OK, we’re connected.

    [01:00:50]

    That’s it. Like if that connection isn’t brief and living, then there isn’t a connection. Exactly. Exactly what happens with couples are so in love. Get married is they go, yeah, we’re in love, we’re connected. And then it’s the assumption that’s it. And so, yeah, it is, because that’s what keeps you alive, because that’s the life force of the relationship. Yeah.

    [01:01:20]

    And that’s what fascination that you used the word, because you can’t really be fascinated by someone if you’re not enjoying or you’re not drawn to them, can you. No, but who decide you enjoying that person? You decide, um, joined that with that person. It’s our responsibility, our feelings, we decide we enjoy with that person what we do or opposite the person, do something, what might hurt us, but that’s coming from us. It’s something what we unsolved in the past.

    [01:02:03]

    So whenever it’s coming to something as the motion as just heard, it’s been something you didn’t solve in the past. It’s not the person, Burcu. It’s something from your bus. So it should work out in your yourself. Easier to connect with the person. If you can solve the problem in yourself, you can’t connect to people. It’s basically coming from us. First the issue. It’s actually a lesson to teach us how to improve. It’s called the cycle learning cycle.

    [01:02:38]

    You actually learn. You’re in the situation, you got to your feeling, then after you just observe it, you try to understand what was happens. Then you try to make a tactics after how you can improve that in the future, then you would experience it and continue this cycle all the time. Life never stopped you all the time. Len, Len, same with the connection with other people all the time. I believe in this.

    [01:03:16]

    So is that that sounds like a fairy or some psycho basically. Or honey. And Mumford was talking about this as well. You basically got the activist. You do a reflection after after reflection. You usually what you do, you do the fatalities. And the last one is totality. So you’re making the kind of tactics for the next time how you can improve this. So you learn from the lesson, what you could do much better, how you could do better if you learned something from it.

    [01:03:54]

    Maybe you did your best. And a couple of years later, you’ll find something what you could do much better because your knowledge is not there yet. Your mind set. It’s not there yet. We all evolve our whole time because you’re emotional about maybe this time it will bring you with anger that maybe be other time you will have tried. So you will be a little bit higher level. So you will differently solve the problem, but you choose which emotion level you use.

    [01:04:29]

    You need to learn how you choose your emotional level in order to to solve the issue. So my my interpretation, so I think the emotional state you’re in determines how you react to something. Yes. So if you’re like if you’re above the line, you’re going to react very differently than in this same example when you’re below the line. And yeah, I totally agree that I think all conflict is really inside us. And what we we heal the conflict from us before.

    [01:05:13]

    With someone else sorry, Sandra, what if you become so connected or the connection is so deep that one party starts to feel smothered? It becomes smothering for somebody, one person or maybe both, so intense. Yeah, I don’t think that’s a connection that spending a lot of time together, but it’s if you look at that, that smothering, that’s the part that things have of maybe being disconnected. But if the other person won’t in that connection and then trying to force that connection and because they’re trying to force the connection through spending time and trying to force your emotion so that you feel something with them, then that’s not really a connection.

    [01:06:03]

    That’s a forced connection. So connection is best when both people are. On an even keel and it’s equivalent and it’s balanced, yeah, I mean, really, it’s about connection needs freedom. Because if you don’t have freedom, you’re a captive and know what you look at, what’s the punishment we give to people? Punishment and prison.

    [01:06:37]

    But you have someone who is insecure and who is looking for connection to feel secure. And they are pushing for security by this physical, this connection, this being together all the time and being connected.

    [01:06:55]

    There are several things that also come into play with that, because there’s also a sense of distrust. Why you have to be with that person all the time and various other things. Now, how do you break out of that so that somebody feels comfortable enough to give space asking a growth or growth without.

    [01:07:21]

    So, yeah, so that is someone who feels disconnected. So what they’re looking to is, is by thinking, if I’m close, if I keep them tight, if I keep them here, then we’ll be connected. So this is this is below the line of control manipulation. But it’s really it’s really someone who feel disconnected to the anxiety of wanting them there is because they feel disconnected and so they’re trying to do it physically because it isn’t really there.

    [01:08:02]

    And if it isn’t really there, someone’s going to feel smothered. It’s not real connection and it’s going to be one on one or the other is going to feel dissatisfied. So how how do you give them how you can’t do it by physically you have to. A relationship is what’s between two people, and if if I said I was going to say, you know, when we say just click with someone and you don’t know what it is, but you just click with them.

    [01:08:38]

    I think, you know, that’s what we are trying to explain here in these specific terms and that kind of connectivity, if you like, that clicking with someone is not forced. It just happens naturally. And both parties are willing participants in and they are happy to do it. They are happy to listen. They are happy to be listened to. You know, they feel that the person understands them. So they open up and they are happy to receive the other person’s baggage, whatever it may be, they are happy to listen to it.

    [01:09:10]

    And so that forms that all be clicked, you know really well. And I think what we are trying to do is define what is acceptable in this.

    [01:09:19]

    Yeah. So like wavelengths of where you feel comfortable, you know, like people on a similar wavelength and that becomes easier.

    [01:09:30]

    Whereas if some snotty person comes up and says, Sandra, I want to be your friend, tell me, you know, it’s it’s totally different, isn’t it? Oh, come on. Let’s be connected. Come on. Tell me the deepest secrets. Gone, girl. Oh, listen. Oh, listen. Yes, we are. There’s no connection, is it? We’ve all had one of those. Yeah, well, unless it’s this guy with the chest of hair, if you remember, I was describing that that might be different.

    [01:10:00]

    You know, the one with the car I got, remember, some weeks ago because I was saying, you know, it’s about accumulation of resources. So I said that if there was this guy who had bling mustache test anyway, I think that’s about three weeks ago. You have to go in this and you’ve had time to create a moustache.

    [01:10:27]

    You never grow the mustache in my life, I have to say, not even on holiday or even look them shave every day. Even my son says to me, what’s your that thing, all those things. Because I’m on camera. Or you are a creature of habit. It’s about discipline because it says to me, OK, I get to take you shave and OK, I get it that, you know, all the rest of it. But I says, why do you put aftershave on that?

    [01:11:00]

    I’m going to smell you on the camera. And they said, well, they don’t put aftershave tomorrow. You stop washing their hands instead of switching off your tongue. It’s about discipline.

    [01:11:13]

    Otherwise the standards slip. Can we apply the same level of discipline to a relationship? That’s behavior other than just discipline? It’s a kind of boundaries, sorry, more boundaries. That you set I like this. What? I don’t like this and you bend it a little bit.

    [01:11:34]

    No, but it’s also the doing. There’s a ritual that you perform. And in the performance of that ritual, you are achieving something that you see as desirable and something that you that makes you complete in a sense, and it’s part and parcel of who you are. So in terms of a relationship, then, if you were to look at what do you need to do on a. On that kind of basis, that keeps your relationship grounded and keep.

    [01:12:16]

    Yeah, yeah, to keep it, yeah, it keeps the relationship on an even keel ballot, you know, because I think sometimes we forget some of the things that we used to do in the beginning that, you know, that that helped cement the relationship.

    [01:12:36]

    And we take it for granted that if we drop this and we drop, that is still fine because we are in the relationship. It’s like, you know, that said, oh, I’ve got the wedding ring now, so I don’t have to try anymore.

    [01:12:48]

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it’s like B.J. Fogg talks about tiny habits and if like if all you have to do to go to the gym to make is turn up. So I look, when I haven’t been working out for a while, just to go to the gym, just turn up for the first two weeks, because if you get in the habit of turning up, then you do something and then eventually you do more and you do more and you do more.

    [01:13:13]

    And I think I always talking about the exact opposite. If you let that slip, then you slip and then you let this slip. And so they’re all triggers for habits. And then within relationships, we have habits. So like so saying initially we die and we get that connection from the dating and then we get into this domestic relationship where the only thing we have to do is go shopping and argue about the kids and who’s putting out the bins.

    [01:13:43]

    And then we wonder why we we don’t have why we lose connection. So there is a certain. Triggers that set the boundaries and set the behaviors off of how we can interact. But it starts with like tiny things. Okay, so I’m just going to share the screen and we can go to. So everyone understands the idea that makes sense cause then you won’t have any comments on the idea of connecting to someone from different levels. Let’s go back to the whiteboard so we’ll get rid of this.

    [01:14:32]

    Okay, so. Connection is a spectrum. So we’ve got this disconnection. And then we’ve got. Connection, so that suspension will. Now, a relationship is.

    [01:15:04]

    A constant. So a relationship is a constant flow from the connection to connection. So. We. So we connect, we have a connection, and then we have an argument and we disconnect and we connect them and maybe connect deeper, and then we we feel bad. We feel maybe something is going on at work and we’re not feeling so great and we feel disconnected because we blame our partner and then everything goes well and we feel connected. So does that make sense, the idea that we flow from connection to this connection?

    [01:15:56]

    Is it a bit like the love tank thing or the credit? Sorry, what’s that one? Is it a bit like, you know, the crazy thing about if you’ve got five, what’s that thing about if you’ve got like five love languages.

    [01:16:12]

    So, no, I love languages. If you have five good things and one bad thing, it’s OK with the bad things go up too much, then it’s like you’re out of credit.

    [01:16:22]

    Yeah. It’s that’s that’s why these are really individual things. So let’s say let’s say you like a week in a relationship, Monday, it’s Monday morning. You don’t want to be at work. Your partner has. Runoff is taken all the bread and you don’t have anything to, you pack lunch, so you’re going to be angry. You going to feel disconnected? Yes, you’re having a bad day. You’re blaming them and still feel disconnected. And then they do something really nice.

    [01:17:04]

    They send you a nice message or they get you lunch or something like that. And you feel really warm and you feel connected about it, about them. And you go out and you have a nice dinner and you feel really connected to them. And then. Something happens and you feel disconnected. Does that make sense like this kind of goes up and down depending on the events, so we’re always none of these fully set. So the question is.

    [01:17:42]

    And it is the question for next week, I’m asking it now what goes there? What is the mechanism between. These these flowing. It’s from what we can give a quick answer to now, now, because this is something to think about where this is the subject of next week’s. But OK, you’re talking about the natural ebb and flow between this connection and connection, right, in a relationship, and there are certain triggers that will cause the disconnection, as you said.

    [01:18:27]

    But if it is something that.

    [01:18:32]

    You you have described as being not to your liking, it upsets you, it is not you, you’d rather not experience this thing because it really throws you off and it happens again. So it started out as a minor thing, but it is ignored that it makes you uncomfortable. It to me, that escalates from just being normal ebb and flow. Now, that is getting into a crisis. A bit of a crisis. Yeah, yeah, so yeah, so it’s not continually going like that, but like I say, in a new relationship, it’s going like that or like a sort of stable relationship is going like that.

    [01:19:22]

    But what happens is, like you say, all of those things, those niks, those scars and all those resentments and bitterness mean that you just stay in this connection. And so then you feel completely disconnected and then you that’s when the relationship breaks because there is a lack of connection and because there isn’t the ability to heal it. Back to the connection. So then the moral to that story is deal with those minor disconnections before they pile up together and become a major tsunami.

    [01:20:00]

    So the relationship. Yeah. Which I guess comes back to communication again for some. And receptivity, if you are not receptive to what is being told to you and willing to adjust accordingly or make the effort to, then I am not going to work learning to say the same thing about communication.

    [01:20:32]

    Now I sense that why we’re not mind readers. We don’t know what the person wants or needs. Oh, come on.

    [01:20:41]

    Women’s intuition going forward. And literally, yeah, we have our intuition. That guy that, you know, never sort of completely, completely right to know.

    [01:20:54]

    But I’ve been told women are always right. I’m not going to argue that.

    [01:21:01]

    But don’t let that make you passive, though, because that is also irritated. Oh, indeed. We can’t win, can we?

    [01:21:16]

    Yeah, go. Yes, there are no there. Yes, there.

    [01:21:19]

    No, there are. Fortunately or unfortunately, there would have been the end of the day and the day that it’s no right and wrong.

    [01:21:30]

    It’s just different opinion. It’s about sections you see this week. The word I way you only see the world, how you wanted to see it if you thought was in this. You will see this way. If you focus on that, you will see that you’re wanting to see. Just look you will see blue. If you want to see yellow, you want to see yellow, you will see yellow. But you see this. That comes back to what I was going to say about communication and learning to listen is a skill.

    [01:22:03]

    And you have to learn to listen without judgment. That’s not easy, because when someone tells you something, because of what I do, I have to listen a lot. And I always keep catching myself, presuming something, and I have to stop myself from presuming it. So that I can actually understand what they are telling me and then ask questions to test my presumptions, so because I know that’s just my presumption is not necessarily the way. So when you’re bringing that from work environment to a relationship, they say something.

    [01:22:42]

    You think something has happened. It’s a like this has only one sort of thing. The Cookie Monster.

    [01:22:50]

    No, you don’t raise it like, oh, hang on a minute. I’ll find this.

    [01:22:57]

    I talk about a chicken story or something. Read it. But that’s actually sounds very interesting because literally what we try to do with our knowledge, we try to understand what, in other words, is happening in other parts of reality, which is impossible because we only get one percent. Even if you live with that person for a couple of years together, you only can see one person from that person. But and you can’t truly understand, even if you will live for 60 years, you probably only understand 10 percent of that person.

    [01:23:30]

    But OK, so to negotiation. And if you don’t communicate effectively, which comes back to an same which is listening and actually hearing the message and replying accordingly, then it’s not going to work. And part of negotiation is not to get angry, not to take it personally, not to be defensive and respond with respect.

    [01:23:59]

    Because because quite often what what you think you know for sure isn’t always the same over difficult time. I can read this out to if not just than you can. But this is this is like isn’t it Jackanory with Tom Hardy.

    [01:24:16]

    No. Well, it certainly did, Jackanory. Believe so, yeah, I remember that episode recorded Drop that one.

    [01:24:30]

    Yeah, but now we have we have three time with. Yeah. Oh OK. Yes. OK, now you OK, Tom Hardy. OK, fine. Make sure you got your milk and cookies. So it is called The Cookie Thief by Valerie Cookes. So everyone was waiting at an airport all night with Sarah. Long hours before her flight, she volunteered for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to talk.

    [01:25:04]

    She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see that the man sitting beside her as bold as could be, grabbed the cookie from the bag in between which she tried to ignore to avoid the scene. So she munched the cookies and watched the clock as the gutsy kiddish diminished her stock. She was getting irritated at this that as the minutes ticked by thinking, if I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eyes with his cookie. She took it to Quanto, and when only one was left, she wondered what he would do with a smile on his face and a nervous laugh.

    [01:25:47]

    He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half. As he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought, Oh, brother, this guy’s got some nerve. And he’s also so rude why he doesn’t even show any gratitude. She’d never known when she had been so cold inside with relief. When her flight was cold, she got her belongings and headed off to the gate, refusing to look back at the ceiling and great.

    [01:26:17]

    So she boarded the plane and sank in her seat. Then she sold her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she crossed with surprise. There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes. If my not here she amount in despair. The others were his and he tried to share to later apologize. I realized with grief that she was the one, the ingrate, the thief.

    [01:26:46]

    So you think you know things, but sometimes you don’t. So I always try to remind myself of the cookie thief. Whenever I’m doing things, some people tell me things. That’s just my perception. Maybe it’s not reality. Cookies, if I of literally Cokesbury, very of from that they make you say that we need to be willing to have our perceptions tested them. Be willing to be tested. I’ve tested. Perception is a reality, which is, I think, comes back to do you actually know that person?

    [01:27:24]

    Have you actually found out everything about them? Do you know them? You know, so you keep testing if you think you know everything, but maybe you don’t. Maybe it’s a bit like unconscious bias. Yeah, well, I assume he’s already got a better image of the situation, all people without having to mind about it. But but what we have here be we think we know the world. This is the way things are. I mean, I remember I walked into a shop and I was doing DIY.

    [01:28:05]

    I told many years ago. And, you know, I mean, I had the filthiest clothes. You could imagine her, not that much anyway. But, you know, it was little dirty because, you know, dust, everything paint on me, dirt, grease. And when I walked in to get a bank with screws because I run out, so I didn’t want to go all the way to the bank. I just walked to the local shop.

    [01:28:30]

    The guy straightaway was so attentive because he thought that I was going to make something because of the way I was dressed. He was like, Yes, sir, can I help you basically get me out of the shop as quickly as possible. And yet I went in there a few days before I had the suit at the time because I’d just come back from work. And the bottom line is, you know, I come in, I picked up a few things, you know, because I happened to walk into the rucksacks tie.

    [01:28:57]

    Clearly my I’m going to pay for it. But when I walked in, because all the stuff, the clothes, I must have looked like a beggar off the street. So straightaway they know me, right? Well, the last. Yeah. Biased toward you. Sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. But we all do. So we all do. We all do. All the time unfortunately. Yeah. That’s what got us to be not get damaged we think.

    [01:29:29]

    But actually sometimes it’s taught us to be happy. Yes, yes, it is true. So it’s always good to sort of try and find out and in fact, a similar story for Kobe since I don’t know if you guys have read the seven habits he talks about, that’s his own design experience. So he’s in New York traveling on a train. And there is this guy with two kids. And the kids are being very naughty and really disturbing everybody.

    [01:30:07]

    And, you know, everybody’s, like, really getting agitated. And I think. Somebody or maybe himself kind of said to him, you know, well, don’t you mind asking your children to calm down a little bit disturbing everyone and think I kind of was in a haze, any kind of a snap out of it and includes the kids so and says, I’m sorry. He says we are just coming back from the hospital. He said, I said my wife died three hours ago and the kids don’t know how to handle it.

    [01:30:40]

    So all of a sudden, the kids being naughty, the being a responsible parent has turned into, oh my God, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help? Of course. Let the kids run amok doesn’t matter. All of a sudden, nobody minds. Because nothing has changed, but your perception has changed, the context has changed. And so we tend to judge others by the context we think is that their actions are based on what we think is happening.

    [01:31:13]

    So we think we know everything and therefore their actions are based on what we think is the case. And we already told the judge and the jury that. That comes back to the cookies, if I can. Do you actually know it or do you think you know it? Is that a fact or evidence that says this is the case and that comes back to being able to communicate that connectivity, information flow between the two people that we need to be open.

    [01:31:44]

    We need to have an openness. We have to ask yourself a question from there that’s coming, because we like to see most of the best way to act on something, we always talk about bias. So it’s coming from the plus we need to ask, is that actually true? And start searching for that. And we need to solve the problem. In the past, what we most of the times we try to do, we try to solve the problem in the persons.

    [01:32:13]

    You can solve something. What it’s hurt. You come to pass on the presence. You need to go back. You need to spend time for self healing and solve our garbage in the past. The first time he disappeared and after you can start to heal and you not replace it, because every single time when you try to push the ball in the water, it will come back. And could be hurt you more so you can solve today in the presence, the problem you need to go back in us.

    [01:32:51]

    And yes, so we need to be honest with ourselves then more than honest, we need to understand our feeling. Most of us will not even understand our feelings. We don’t even know that feeling. It’s actually that feeling. When I had last year skydive, I felt like I’m dying for two days, double checking my body. I will see the bed. I didn’t know what’s happened with me, but actually that was excitement. But I label it first as the fear.

    [01:33:21]

    But actually that wasn’t the fear. That’s excitement kind of excitement level, which I never had before. But my body couldn’t recognize what it is that until I didn’t spend two days just to understand. What is that? Yeah, well, as I said, learn from the past plans for the future of in the present. But it was easier said than done, though, to be able to learn from the past, you have to be prepared to face some ugly truths about yourself.

    [01:33:59]

    And that’s not always easy.

    [01:34:00]

    But you’ll have to develop a discipline to learn to look at yourself and to investigate these things. It just doesn’t come to you. I need to. Oh, yes, this happened and I need to understand it.

    [01:34:17]

    If you don’t have the tools and look at yourself and to decouple the various elements you use, still be at square one or you will have half finished unfinished job at best, which probably could be more frustrating than helpful to you.

    [01:34:46]

    What that level of you know, he talks about the level of disclosure, the level to other people. That’s also because connection is to life, to yourself, to others, to inner circle and circle. So that level of self disclosure is also personal. So if you’re not willing to look at something, if you’re not willing. To to really dig and get to the truth, then there’s only so much connection you can have with yourself. There’s only so much connection you can have with life if you’re not open to the truth rather than your perception of the truth.

    [01:35:33]

    How are you defining connection to so. So how like all the positive things, but actually this was how I was going to finish up actually, so that keyed into a perfectly so this today was about connection. So the first ingredient of a successful relationship is connection. And the second one is like, where does that loop? So that’s the question. So what comes in the middle of that? What is the mechanism by which we deepen or lose connection?

    [01:36:17]

    So we say just to finish up, we had JANOSZ was leading the quest of this connection. So Betty was leading the quest of connection. So if you can summarize the connection and disconnection. That spectrum. For me, yeah, if you if you if you go and then, Betty, look at this. Which one are we doing? So you were talking about connection when you and Janice was talking about this connection, not to put you on the spot?

    [01:37:10]

    Oh, yeah, that’s right. Yeah. We were talking about connection to this illicit communication. But medication being listened to give us what makes you feel happy to trust. Yeah, first we start by reverse engineering the same.

    [01:37:46]

    What was the feeling connected like the example of not being listened to. So then we said we want you to feel heard, respected, acknowledged, and to have someone so genuine interest, which was for them to stay present and questions and to be attentive and to actually understand our point of view and for them to show genuine concern and actually listen to what’s bothering to us and to ask questions and help us without judging so that we felt we could be ourselves and to feel heard.

    [01:38:20]

    And we felt that at the heart of that was to feel supported and uplifted and to feel embraced. And that made us feel content and happy and relaxed.

    [01:38:34]

    Thank you. So basically, these connections, we talk about more about behavior and communication. What was the main issue to be disconnected from other people? A mainly more positive aspect and that the expectations which are causing these connections, then the feelings behind this, it’s quite a few. It’s coming out with the fears, with the low confidence and the jealousy and the grief. I think most of the times it’s actually just. The fear of lost to the self esteem to be not worthy enough, so it’s coming from our self inside this.

    [01:39:34]

    If we solve these issues inside, it’s much easier to connect with other people because we don’t need to search that another person we ought to be having and they can give us the gift. What can I say, I feel that I’ve really learned a lot from what you’ve done today, because what stands out to me is that connection is something that is a living ongoing thing. And if it’s not kept moving, then that connection doesn’t exist. And the key thing is about connections, about self disclosure.

    [01:40:15]

    Yeah, that is really what’s between two people, it’s the dynamic and that’s a living thing, and if we don’t treat it as a living thing, it dies. Before we close, does anyone else have any comments? Yes, it’s about caring about one thing can someone outside of just yourself and your own needs and nurturing them and that’s the propelling the momentum to. Can you and continuing to learn continue in that connection? Yeah, yeah, everyone predominantly thinks that happiness comes from things or from themselves.

    [01:41:02]

    But if you search for happiness itself, you’ll never find it because it comes in service to something else. It’s like the people we love most are our children, our perhaps because they’re the ones we give much to and it’s when we give to others that we find ourselves. And so that’s so integrity is doing what we should do in a firm foundation of who we are. Respect is having interest, curiosity and build, which develops the connection. And then kindness is giving of ourselves in something beyond ourselves.

    [01:41:47]

    OK, well, thank you, everyone, and especially thank you for Betty and Janice for leading us free and. And next next week, we’re talking about the intersection. And so from now to then, everyone can think about what is that mechanism, you’re looking into the matter.

    [01:42:12]

    The special maybe a couple of sneaky bits I want in the closing credits of the Marvel films, you always get to see what the next film is a little bit, you know, a couple of scenes from the next film. It’s like, okay, so was it last week we had Eral and Sandra and we’ve had Janosz and Batley.

    [01:42:37]

    So I think I cooked that. I don’t think it was. Yeah, it was you because obviously the week before and just the week before we went into groups. So instead of Nicole, you’ve got to give the sneak preview of next week.

    [01:42:56]

    I mean, there’s less than stellar tonight. So it’s this isn’t the Marvel films. But we’ll come we’ll come to you next week for the for the for the clip.

    [01:43:12]

    Meg, you have to be careful now. They make sure they come. Yeah.

    [01:43:20]

    Yeah. No, it’ll be whoever’s here. But if you’re. Yeah. If you’re there and you’re happy to. They’re right actually. You just give me an idea. I’ve been meaning for ages. Is everyone here happy being on camera. Because what I’m what I’m thinking is up on, you know, like on the meet up the group photo, it’s like a group from a couple of years ago, OK, if we take a snapshot and then at least we’ve got an update, it’s.

    [01:43:56]

    Do you mean tonight?

    [01:43:58]

    Now.

    [01:43:58]

    Yeah, we can go next time. It reminds me. So yeah. I am not feeling well today. Right. Well a paper bag brilliantly by everyone.

    [01:44:13]

    Get your makeup down head on down and that’s not fair. Sorry. So that’s not how we’re going to get it done. Well you got more than me. It’s very crazy.

    [01:44:29]

    I think that’s very kind of you because even though it’s not working name on it so you can take your name off or you can change your name.

    [01:44:43]

    But if you can remind me, because I’ve been meaning to do this for probably about a year and I always forget, it’s like when I used to go to the meetings, I always forgot to take pictures. So, yes, that’s that’s the plan for next week. So everyone for to make up for. Hey, I’ll try and get a week, okay?

    [01:45:13]

    All right, well, thank you, everyone, and we’ll see you next week to talk about the Second Amendment.

    [01:45:22]

    What do you make up next week, though? Sorry. Oh, OK.

    [01:45:29]

    I did my hair blue purple Mohicans, though. My daughter’s got blue and green hair.

    [01:45:36]

    So I said, Nadia, you can have us rainbow colored.

    [01:45:47]

    Yes. I, like everyone, have died from pink to purple to. You mean like I’ll leave it on. Decided that they’re going to do a jump on a Jamaican flag colors and gave us the Ethiopian flag colors because they think that Jamaican’s colors are the red, green and gold of our hotel and they still got it wrong. It’s black, green and gold and not black, green and yellow. I mean, you would need to do the research, at least you think, before you make the shirt.

    [01:46:23]

    Well, it’s more fun this way, says the man in the Red Shirts. The orange recognisers just been red now and always and will be like, I will certainly be resorting to makeup, but somehow will grow some.

    [01:46:52]

    Have a great week. Take care. You say I told my bikini. Yeah, well, I have the beach. Have the beach. Is that your house or something. No, no, no. This is in Jamaica. No, this is your house from Jamaica. This is Sandra’s when we can decide. Yes, exactly.

    [01:47:11]

    So I was telling Rob that this is a place, Negril Beach, which was known in the heyday of the hippies for mushrooms and then. Yes. And they would all get and there’s a local hedonism hotel down there, you know, and hedonism, right? Yeah. And it’s interesting. You should post things like that. Yeah.

    [01:47:38]

    You need to. I’m just trying to add a little bit of chair and a bit of sunlight in these dark and dreary days of solitary. And it’s helping, I can tell you. Good, good, good, good. Good looking sun screen by.