Relationships can seem overwhelming. There’s so many moving parts, so how can you get all of them right?
The truth is we don’t need to be perfect. We don’t have to do everything right.
Yet if we do nothing we never get the relationships we want. Our existing relationships will end up stagnating.
So the solution is to get a little better every day. Here’s our conversation…
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips.
Tonight, we're talking about the key to relationship success, so in the breakout rooms you were talking about, where would you like to be in four years time on your relationship journey? What would you like to change? What would you like to improve or would you like to not do anymore? Does anyone have any false insights or something they'd like to share on their self?
Yes, a lot of gurus, a lot of relationship gurus have an opinion in order to be to have a kind of stable, meaningful relationship. It's also important for you to be completely happy on your own. And that's it in similar words to that. And once you're happy on your own, then the relationship will end is much more likely to be successful.
Yeah, yeah, I'm so happy by myself. Sometimes I bounce back the other person in my life. So I don't think that is actually an issue because if you're happy single, you've got more of a risk in being in a relationship because it's like when something's working. Well, life, your life's work. Well, then bringing someone like changing something is always a risk. You might be better, but it might be worse. So, yeah, that can be can be an issue.
I think if you're unhappy, you dream from people around you and particularly from someone else in the relationship. So you can be unhappy for a while. But if you're not like a lot of people do, get into a relationship because they're unhappy. So like people who are unhappy want to change something. So one of the ways you can change something is get into a relationship in other ways. People who are unhappy buy more stuff because the you feel like you're buying this thing, it's going to change your life.
So you QVC. Get a loan that sells from people who are depressed. Because they think this thing is going to magically change my life. And then you've got this more pull this exercise thing and then you realize you can actually use it and then cluttering up your house after a couple of weeks and in the same way people get into a relationship hoping that everything will change. But a year, four years later, they realize that. It doesn't change you and all that happens is you've got someone else to blame for why you're not happy.
And a lot of the reason why people aren't happy in a relationship is often themselves because they're not happy. But it's easy to look at someone around you and think that's the cause. So, yeah, I think that's that's why it's important, because the only foundation of a relationship is the two individuals. And if one of them, their foundations is weak, then the is going to crumble. It's going to put so much pressure on the other person to support the whole thing.
Eventually they're going to fall down.
Is it a mix that you need to be perfectly like? You know, I know that we shouldn't depend on somebody else to make us happy, but is there a difference between I need somebody in my life to give me support and I will support them back? And there's a difference between need and neediness because is it there's a myth that says, well, you need to sort yourself out completely before you ready to go dating to look for a relationship. And isn't the purpose of a relationship that you would support each other and help each other grow and you would inspire each other to be the better version to fix each other or be responsible, but just to inspire each other, in which case you don't have to wait until you're perfect because then you might be waiting forever, but you're on the journey as long as you have that self-awareness.
You looked in the book. Then again, it's the difference between being naked and need. I need a partner. I need somebody to be working with me.
I think if we wait until we're perfectly home, I'm perfectly happy. Then you will die out pretty soon because we. We have to have an awareness of. That is a difference between aspiration and there's a quote from an ancient Greek, if it's OK, I'll kill you, I'll kill you. And it's we don't rise to the level of our expectation. We fall to the level of our training. And. So, yeah, I think if we if we were waiting to be perfectly happy, then.
We're never going to be perfectly happy because we're a synergy, because happiness is a something that you habituate to. So if like if you're here, if you say there's a scale of happiness and you're here and then you get to hear, well, what happens is the scale changes and the things that used to piss you off used to be big things. Now they're going to be tiny little things, but they still, like you, habituate to whatever level that you're used to.
So. There's always there's always another horizon, and it's one of those things that you are never going to be as whole, as happy as you would like to be. So I think. The journey to happiness and the journey to relationship are things that are constant and. So it's a bit like. It's a bit like saying I'm not going to start a job until I'm perfect for interviews and claims and I'm doing all those things again, you only you only have to get a certain percentage like the first 20 percent, like the 80 20 rule, the first 20 percent of what you make will get you 80 percent of the results.
So the thing said, OK, so there's new to everything. And if what it's really about is if your unhappiness is at a level where you're going to drag the other person down and you can't. You can't manage your emotions and you can't. Being in the relationship without being destructive to it, then you need to work on yourself. If you think otherwise, it's about. Working on like, what's the next thing? So the reason why I chose this topic was because relationships are overwhelming.
Is everything. Everything is in relationship. Everything is in your happiness. And so people will often say, like five love languages. I've read from Miles. But that's not a relationship. That's communication. So communication is one aspect of relationships. You've got conflict, you've got attachment. You've got like male female dynamics. You've got there's lots of different aspects. But typically, because it's not an area that we've really thought about, like if you go to the gym, you've probably got a plan or like we like the first time you go, they have a trainer or someone who tells you you've got flexibility, you've got cardio work, you've got strength work, you've got functional fitness.
So there's different aspects in the same way in relationships. There's different aspects to it. So it's it's a case of looking at. What would make the biggest impact and so really so just to frame this up really is about the relationship journey. People like to think that they're going to read a book or they're going to take a course and say, I've done relationships, I've lost it all. But the reality is this. There are always more challenges.
There's certain things in life. Being able to use your skills and talents to make a living and survive or thrive is one journey that you're always going to have today. And this is where people win the lottery. And I think, like, if I win the lottery, that would be my problem. So but then suddenly, if you've got a million pounds, you've got all these people who want to borrow from you. There's all these. What do you spend on how do you where do you put it that you don't lose it?
So there's a different level of stress that comes in, but you still have to distill the game of money. The game of survival is always there. Health is is something else. So many health relationships are one of life's journey that there is always something because if you once you think it's over, then what that means is you stop breathing energy into it and then the relationship dies and someone is going to get fed up and leave or the relationship will just die because it's really like a plant.appointed that they fit in in:
And five years after his appointment, they won what was the Olympics and they won 60 percent of the golds. And from two thousand seven to two thousand seven saying they won for the first time, they won five, they'd never won a Tour de France, they won five in a row. They won a hundred and seventy eight world titles and sixty six Olympic or Paralympic golds. And so that's that's an incredible feat from being a team that allegedly, like bike manufacturers, didn't want to supply them bikes because they felt it would be embarrassing.
It would reflect on their brand badly. And so how did how did how did he do it? And basically what he did, he had the idea of incremental improvement, if you can improve everything one percent. And so there was stuff like they made the bike seats more comfortable. They changed the massage gel to see see what was more effective. They put alcohol on the tires. They changed the clothing from the indoor clothing, that they found the fabrics better.
They had a surgeon training them how to wash their hands so that they got less infections. They used biofeedback to find out what was the right training, the right nutrition. They changed the ideal pillow, the ideal mattress, even like the inside of their vans, they painted white so they could see like specks of dust that they wouldn't have seen. And all of this built up to the improvement that led to suddenly dominating the cycling in the cycling competitions.
So really what we do every day is what determines our results and it's our habits. And so atomic habits, which is really about that, that he trained for. He he was told by B.J. Fogg he was really the father of that and focus this thing called like Tony Harris. And it's basically you take the smallest step that you can take. So how do we apply this to relationships? Well, if you're dating, that's really about how consistently am I sending messages, the quality of the message, the how well you crafted according to the person, how well we kind of listen to people, how well we do on dates, how all of those kinds of things, how well you can connect.
So the philosophy of Tony Harris is basically a recipe. And it goes when I like when I sit down and have a coffee, I do this and then I'll do this to celebrate. And it's basically just a tiny little thing like instead of, say, if it was dating, instead of saying, I'm going to send five messages a day or whatever, I'm going to when I sit down and have a coffee, I'm going to look at one person's profile or it's just one little speck and you just kind of like that.
So. So really how this works is that if you do one percent better. Like every day for sixty five days. That adds up to a year, down thirty one point one eight percent better. So that's a third better a year and that's how little improvements. Add up to big, big impacts and so in a relationship, it's going to feel more connected. How can I deal with conflict? How can we have better conversations, all of those aspects?
How does that apply? How do you think that would apply to your relationship journey and achieving your relationship?
Thanks for the pandemic. Everybody knows how they can push that. And now it's that we don't need to practice that anymore because we are really good.
You can always get better at learning to making any surgery. So I think I will be fine. But how could I know? What do. Should I call all my exes and asking them, what do you think? What what went wrong or.
Interesting poll, wouldn't it? You can you can you come back and share all the feedback.
The most of them being Hungarian, but translate them, you know, OK, so OK, so I'm going to share the screen. And then the credit for this diagram is to Sandra. He created this when we had the five day spread from my school. So really, when we looking at. The quality of a relationship, it's about feeling safe, feeling safe, feeling supported and feeling satisfied, so it's feeling like you matter, like you belong, like you're stronger with the person and feeling loved.
So if we look at the dimensions there, it's really about hope. We just go back. It's really about feeling nurtured, feeling respected, feeling listened to and feeling connected. Any of those things, if you can make your partner feel a little bit more distant, feel them, feel them, feeling of appreciated, help them feel a little bit more fulfilled, that's going to make your relationship better. Does that make sense? So. For ourselves, it's can we make wiser choices on who we engage with and when can we develop the ability to have differences with minimal conflicts?
Can we be more present to initiate and engage in conversations that enriched and deepen the connection? Can we have more awareness and sensitivity and can we develop or deepen our capacity to love, heal and grow? And in terms of current relationship climate, it's having a vulnerability, the integrity presents and the Clintons. So. These are really the things. That determine the quality of a relationship, so being better, those like each of those aspects, and you can always be better.
We can always have more integrity. We can always be more present. We can always be kinder. And we can always forget our I to get there will be more vulnerable. So does that make sense? So obviously, if we were to map out where we all love on that, we all have a slightly different profile. So it's. What would be the smallest, easiest step? That would make things better. And so that's quite a lot to think about all of those aspects.
Is the idea really is to make it break it down into smaller steps rather than feeling overwhelmed by everything? Because just to reiterate, relationships like this is it, we're in a relationship, it's all done, but it's always about you ever grow together or it dies. Sandra, I know you've got two words of wisdom to talk, actually more questioning than having any wisdom to impart. I'm thinking in a we need to be careful that we don't get so caught up in looking at the elements that we need to improve, because, as you rightly said, we can become overwhelmed or we can feel as though we it's almost like doing an exam.
And, you know, we've got we've got to improve on this. We've got to fix this. We've got to do this. How am I doing? I haven't mastered this one. I'm a failure. You know, I'm not perfect for a relationship, but I think we need to keep in our minds that nobody's perfect. Nobody's expecting you to be perfect. But I think it's the willingness showing a willingness to address deficiencies and a willingness to think about what it does for the relationship and and how your partner will react to you, because I think, yes, it's one thing to think about yourself and how to improve yourself.
But ultimately within a relationship, it's the sum of all of the attributes that come together in the relationship. And they need to work together and they need to be appreciated by both parties. It's not a competition, in other words.
Yeah, yeah. That's a really good point, because it's something that I didn't explicitly mention, but. All of the these like these diagrams and these ideas are to like show the potential, but if you remember the 80 20 only to have 20 percent of its have 80 percent. For most people, that's more than half the point of having these. It's not like you master them all, but that you have a map. So when when there's a problem, you know, like there's a way of diagnosing like what and what would fix this problem.
Because I think every problem is really about there's an inherent conflict, like we are biological animals. So we built with instincts. We built, we're built. And I know we like to think of ourselves as separate from all other animals, but we're just another species. And we so we were this biological animal that we've created, this artificial social world. And it's that our problems are when there's a mismatch between our biology and our and our artificial societal world.
And so if you look at all the intolerance of the prejudice, like all the people who are homosexual and had to hide it for years, all the people who were second class citizens because they were different color or because they had a different background or because they were from a different class, all of that is artificial. None of that came from biology. It came from artificial circumstances. And so people bashed themselves up for not being perfect because they don't fit into the mold of their school or whatever we're supposed to be.
But we we can't when there's a problem. The problem isn't in the biology. The problem is the societal mismatch, because we have to in order to function, we have to have a story. We have to have this culture and the story of society. But when there's a problem is because it is a mismatch. And that problem is the way that you solve the problem is by getting to the truth of where the real conflict is and. Like patching up the bug in the operating system off of the bug, that's going to be more effective and tell about the story.
So, yeah, we don't need to be perfect at everything. We just need to know where we can go when there's a problem. Veronica, for you.
And yes. And I mean, in any relationships, I would look at Thanksgiving. I mean, the beginning of the state of it at that moment, during its beginning, whatever it is, is really how do you yourself is feeling inside? Because that will I mean, we we are attracted to any kind of person in any kind of relationship to learn from to learn about ourselves. Actually, I think and and so the purpose of our relationship is to grow and to learn.
So you're attracted to anyone to give you that, whether it's your own children or your parents, your partners, your friends or somebody in the street. And so the starting point is, how do you feel about that meeting or how do you feel about a long term relationship? How does it make you feel? And then to really look at that and to scrutinize every aspect of your feeling, to pinpoint what it is that is happening there, you know, and then when you look at it, you can.
You can either proceed it with the other if the other is understanding or not, or you can share that, but the insight is really showing you where you're at and how you can move on. And so so that's that for me. That that's what a relationship is about is only a way to it's a blessing to internalize where you're at at this moment in time in terms of knowledge, wisdom, feeling, habit, belief, whatever. It's actually it's actually a very profound and no matter how little the relationship is and it's a very profound Kompass to let you know where you are and how you want to move forward with everything.
And then comes all the little education and the learning about this and this and that. But that's the starting point.
I think if we take a minute to think about how that would apply. Sorry, did you have some interchange? I think if we take a minute to think about how does that apply to your personal journey? So. Like you, in a relationship like Veronica said, I think there's always. There's always a problem or there's always an opportunity, and it's about. We hope that that problem will go away and we hope, like the system, one is that if I just make the one, all the problems will go away.
But it's really about you have to be ready for the one. And it's not really a one. It's. Someone who you can get along with and you can grow together with. So if you think about where you would like to be. And what do you see is in terms of your journey now, what do you see stopping you? What do you think would be the thing that would take you to the next step? So if we think about that for a minute.
So seven million and how that applies in your personal. Situation.
Sorry, could you repeat that again? What are you asking us to do?
OK, so if you think about where you are or your relationship, Jenny. What's the biggest problem or opportunity you're facing right now? There's a lot of us here, so I think it might be worth going to breakout rooms to talk about how is this relevant to you? What what problem or opportunity are you facing right now that if you had a different perspective, we talked about the big picture putting everything in context, now we can talk more specifically.
And if anyone wants to talk about any challenges they face or anything, we can share perspectives and hopefully help you come to the conclusion I always share and how my relationship with Kopper's chocolate is really, really wow. And it just stays. Whereas if I put it somewhere, it doesn't run away. It just stays exactly where I've left it. So, yes, it's a very stable relationship. I've got the.
I find I'm off chocolate at the moment because it never lasts as soon as it's there, it's it's just.
If you if you get a truckload, though it is a long relationship is a commitment, I'm committed to Kopper's chocolate. You know, it's not just a fling, but I must apologize. I'm going to leave you with that silly, silly Weafer reflection back. And I've got to go now. So I waved goodbye to everyone, but I think the chocolate is more enticing than we are.
Absolutely. How much of a good thing is not is not good in the long run. I just live for today, just for the moment, the instant gratification that the ingenuity of that.
But it's not as good as Apple crumbled.
Should we have a of who he would take our apple crumble? Over what was dairy, milk, chocolate. Here we go for the crumble.
Shall I go and get it from the kitchen that I think is the subliminal sublime story about why you nuts. I didn't get my delivery of my at the time, but he promised everyone so so I a very actually did think it and I was having it just now with ice cream, but I was being quite.
It's in the post.
You'll have to ask the postman what happened to.
Oh, maybe he did. I wrote.
Yeah, I would I would get shocked, and that's why I given up.
Actually, chocolate is one of my obsessions, and I will let you all into a secret. I'm a member of a chocolate club and I had to just take out my credit card because what's that box arrives at Talledega? Oh, I would just indulge and I would try my best. After a while, I developed a little bit of discipline. I have two pieces a night, so I was getting better at it. But now any stress at the box goes a yeah, I got a good idea.
My sister putting in the freezer the chocolate weekly. You got that? The details hold it in your mouth detection. You get a better experience. You know, she really doesn't tell.
Once you freeze chocolate, it's poisoned because all the eyes get frozen and it breaks down. You have to appreciate the emulsified cocoa in your mouth. No, no, no, no. Sorry. No, no freezing. No, no, no, no. What you do is you exercise the temptation, you'll get rid of it, which is what I have done. So anything that's not good for you to get rid of it, including bad boyfriends.
Are bad husbands. Hi. How do you decide when the boyfriend is this good for you anymore? Well, for me, when it no longer gives me pleasure, makes life a pleasure because, well, this is a real pleasure is quite important. And I find that if I may, space is not stimulated, I get bored with people very easily, so. Yeah, same here, Sandra. I think we are related. I think it's not like being a psycho sexual.
Yes. The exact words that you've got it right, but you need that kind of stimulation for it to go anywhere. I mean, yeah, yeah. Sex on its own once in a while. Just blast and lust and all the rest of it is wonderful and fabulous. But it can't last beyond that. That Yeah. Yeah, that's that's that. Rob, you look shocked.
I'm just thinking this is this is sexist stuff. I think some of the men have to. Is this all are we waiting for?
Why do you say it's one thing if you if you have a connection with another person? Well, yeah, it's OK.
It was just it was just because it was for example, you said boyfriend and husband are OK. I know. I know. I know you. I know it by voice.
Yeah. Right. Yeah. But no, seriously, though, I think we were at a stage where we have experienced enough to know what deficiencies we can. We can work with in the relationship because nobody comes fully formed, and as you say, we are all growing in a relationship, we are both complementing each other and helping each other to improve and to grow. But I think there are some things that are dealbreakers, and I think that that's part of the like a little bit better not knowing who your partners is, part of it.
A little bit better. A lot better interacting with them a little bit by reconnecting with them. All the nice parts, James.
Just thinking about the importance of living an authentic and authentic life. And it's important to live an authentic life, and if you can't do that within a relationship, then maybe it's not meant to be. It sounds a bit selfish, of course, and maybe it is, but there's always you can always compromise. Of course, what Jake was saying is also important that if you have a life philosophy, if you can somehow separate yourself from that and get another level, which is very, very, very difficult to understand, all of these systems that you develop in your head suddenly become not important anymore.
But it is only probably a very small number of people that have reached that level of of love that Jacob's talking about and living the materialist paradigm. And you're you're completely engrained in that materialist paradigm that we are in in in the West in particular. It's quite difficult to understand that that next level, it takes a lot of time.
Yeah, I think like so we're talking about a love, unconditional love. Whenever I've done research, I had to actually abandon it because I couldn't find enough people who were at that level, I think, to address the point of being authentic. I think in the end, I believe that when a couple, maybe 80 percent of the relationship is already set in there, who they are. But the thing is that when we go when we first meet people, we put on these masks and we put on like we show our best self.
And it takes a while to feel comfortable, FS1, people, all that and just to be raw and natural with each other. And it's then that we can work out whether the relationship will work or not. But the sharing, the best image of yourself and presenting yourself in the best way. Creates more delay in knowing that. Because you can't sustain a relationship unless you yourself, because when it comes to being happy, which, as you spoke about earlier, being happy is really about being yourself, if you can drop everything they don't know, everything that you feel through pressure, you'll be happy.
What stops us being happy isn't anything we have to achieve. It's just the ideas that we've been brought up that we're not good enough, that we have to do this. We should conform to this. We should be there at this is just let go of all of that. And a bit like Sandra said, like, you don't have to be perfect. All of this is really a way of dropping what you know, it's not really about. You need to learn to be something else.
You need to do something else. It's just being comfortable with who you are and dropping everything else. But for most people, that is quite difficult for most people.
Is there such a thing as unconditional love?
In all honesty, in the parent, parental, maybe in romance? I think to be honest, no, there isn't, because unconditional love would mean someone can lie, cheat, abuse you, be you. And you still love them.
So I think yes, I think it's about. We're all seeking one of my favorite crises, Mignon, I can't remember meeting Magnum or something like that, and she said everyone wants to be loved in the way that no one has been left. Is that and I've talked about before, I think we're looking for that love that one when you come out as a baby and your parents are so filled with everything that you do, there's that adulation. And just like every little smile is greeted with that attention and that love.
And I think we're all seeking that again, that's a lot of people are just going to put a lot of people don't actually get that. But yet we still on that journey seeking that love. So I think there's something inherent within us. We will seek in that connection, if you like, to the divine to go do that. Something is broader or beyond us. So when we seek in this all encompassing love that's like the love of the universe, it's not actually seeking a Disney fantasy, although we projected onto somebody else.
And we want the Disney princess fantasy. But we're seeking is that deep, divine connection between ourself. And a lot of us don't have our parents looking at us is a lot of appearance of dysfunction.
Yeah, yeah. I recognize that not everyone has that star, but I think anyone by the age about three or four will share in that shop. So I think we've all if we had that, we've fallen from we've fallen from that. So I think. This is why connection is more important than the relationship, because the deeper journey is it's about. It's about feeling one, I think one with another. The idea that the tantric idea and tantric idea is that we feel complete love for someone and from that then we love outwardly.
And it's a way of I think ultimately this split, the basic conflict is between the reality of truth and like our biology and the artificiality of our society. And I think all we seeking is to be able to be ourselves. Without feeling that pressure, without feeling that we need to change some of the love we seek outside of oneself, it's not another person or thing democracy. This is the divine spark within ourselves as it was. So when we're looking for someone else, looking for them to reflect that back to us.
Yeah, I mean, I think if you look at the biggest picture and put it in context and the big journey, it's really our journey and other people help us to see along that journey. So someone else is going to I'll come back to this. Okay. So I think it was wrong, in my opinion.
Is it me? Well, I mean, I'm looking at everyone here, so men and women. And so when I was talking, I suddenly felt something inside me arising because I do have someone in my head and in my heart that I really want to have a relationship with. So that's got to be tested and experienced. But ahead of time. I mean, what I desire most in the relationship is to be fully myself and for him to be fully himself.
And and I'm just visualizing and living that already before it happens. But the thing that I was looking when I was looking at all the figures and the men obviously coming to my space and and I think about the sexuality and and I think is quite sexual. And I am just, you know, kind of a little bit worried that I may not fulfilling sexually fully. And then you may want to go to younger, more beautiful, you know, so I mean, it is affecting me because I do want to create I want to create with someone of his caliber, which I know of.
And and and yeah, it's difficult. It's difficult. Do I do I just drop everything if if if it's not in alignment, you know, which I won't do. But then I also don't want to to sacrifice my own authenticity. So it's a little bit I would appreciate some man response to this because this is why I'm speaking, because I'm looking at you men. Thank you. I wouldn't mind seeing something there. It's just I've already determined what's going on in this man's mind, and it's nice to visualize a lot of meditation and visualizing manifestation, but we can desire what we desire.
But what he sees and worrying about whether or not you're going to be sufficient or not is only going to stop any possibility from happening. The fact that you feel that you may not be sufficient might be the reason why you won't be, because you're not bringing the fulfillment within, because you're carrying the lack of not confidence, but for completeness with you, you know that fragility is there, everybody. It's funny because it happens with men and women. We all seem to think we understand what everybody else wants, but quite often the easiest way is just to ask them.
And then if you have open heart and that's the truth, that you can have that dialogue between you, so if you do get together, then you have a discussion about what the experience was like, how it could improve, whether it needs improving, if you need to discuss it. But by putting a barrier up against yourself. Comparing yourself to a younger winning. Then again, that's that's something that you own. So if you were coming to me of meeting somebody that I could see immediately and confidence in who they are because they're comparing the case to the people.
So does that mean that the reflection is every time I look at a younger woman, I'm going to feel as if I'm looking at them for that reason or my partner, because that might I might pick up on that because you might not want to feel like that. You may feel that way. And these are the subtleties. With each other, and so I think it's all of. Speculation don't mean and sometimes the spontaneous masses is the joy, really, because we can surprise ourselves.
And I know previously when we were talking about sort of the conditioning that we have as children. We mentioned about trying to be sort of hold with ourselves as a child, I can relate to that because for me it's sort of the spirit that we've come from was a union of all of us. And now we're separated from everybody else. And we're trying to be separate, but we're not really separate in my life. You know, the way I see my own view is we're all connected.
And I yearn for that connection again, but not necessarily only physical, but just every ball. That's the inner connection. But relationships one on one are challenging, aren't they? Because because we are all so different on that journey behind his children is set to stop pointing in so many different directions with so many different questions and hang ups. And as you mentioned, you not that certain parts of society hold it. They can't be like this. You must be another way or this and things like that.
How can you be authentic in a world that really wants to crush authenticity? The stereotypes, the shops are all saying now you go to the shops in every shopping center in the country. It's the same. There's no authenticity there. The religions, there's no authenticity in religion for me personally, because you've got very strict dogmatic narratives then all of them. And they all say that this is the right way. They obviously can't all be wrong. I don't know.
But yeah. So it is difficult to be yourself. And I think sometimes when you are yourself, you can be picked on and then that's when it hurts. I think that's the Braveheart thing is kind of saying, well, yeah, this is me, so feel for yourself. If you feel that you may lack maybe the stimulation or that confidence, that's good that you that you recognize that that's how you feel about that, you know, but it shouldn't stop you from from saying, OK, I recognize that that's how it is to a moment.
But how do I get over that and move past that other than holding you back? And that's what happens in school, isn't it? Whenever we play up in school, but in within the classroom, in school, the spotlight goes on you and you get somebody in the class say something derogatory towards you and then you just back down and you stop being yourself again because of fear of others. And that kind of like permeates through life. I find I find it very difficult to be, to be honest all the time, because sometimes being honest all the time can hurt other people.
But, you know, sometimes that happens. So if you tune it in and he says, you know what, I prefer somebody that's younger and it's not, then we just have to accept that that's the way it is. But it doesn't mean that it's going to be that way. Yeah, that's what I think.
I there's one of one of the thing I'd like to out is that what you talked about really there's this dynamic in human nature that as soon as we want something that, like, brings in a fear of not getting it and immediately we feel a desire, we also feel a fear that I'm not good enough for that I'm not, you know, or someone's better or whatever. And really, just to reiterate. Well, what Robert said is that really it's about whether it's going to work or it's not going to work is the truth is already set.
And our work is really just to get to that truth as quick as it can, because when relationship works or doesn't work, whether someone is interested, not interested. It's not about what you say and it's not about what you do that's going to change that. It's just get to the root of what's the truth of it. And the quicker that you can get to that, the less friction that there is and the quicker that you can move through your journey.
It's when we we hide from that when we want to. And this really speaks to something that Sandra said is like we don't have to be perfect because this whole striving, there's a trap of feeling that if you need to be perfect at everything and if you're perfect everything, it will work out with this person. And that's not the case. So it's the quicker you can get to the truth, the better. If any of the other men have any words for Vernick.
Is that so basically, I would like to add for that we don't need to be be all for it, but when we do actually put that state in our mind, we actually start to be. Putting the person in a higher bracket than ourselves, so we're making that person feel we not good enough for them. So, like, when you're scaling, like for doing men's for the women's, you know, one foot down or something. So they seem to be out, not in our league.
There is no such thing since you actually make them to feel like that opposite woman to the same spot if they feel to find out something. What you know, Kizzie, guess what? Everybody else is in the league and that's what we love. That's what makes us unique. And you don't need to be beat. Souness, when you can actually show that craziness in yourself, then you crawled on that to be unique. Be yourself, be sure who you are and don't be afraid.
Guess what, you don't like it, never been yours. What's the point of wasting time? And guess what? Wasting time. It's actually just. We want to do too many things. And we ended up procrastinating. And we ended up doing nothing. We visited our house of a lifetime because we didn't eat too much. Forty seven percent of our times, as David Goldman said, is just such a waste of our life because we think about what others are thinking about us.
Yes, not just tweet, tweet depressants, PCOS. And if they wanted, they can take it, if it's not, it's not yours and that's it.
This is how you are daydreaming, daydreaming about what others think about you.
I don't give a damn about. I like to put myself sometimes in this situation, but I just start laughing. And guess what? It's great if finally I can make them laugh. That's good. Even if I make myself for a second, you know, I don't give a damn about what they think about me because I know what I am. And that's will be only two minutes worth thinking. I'm foolish. But I stood at times not you know, everybody want to be normal.
Do you think it's normal? Good. Because you self limiting yourself, you are in the black box and you feel like hitting the wall every single time, you'll be Mr. B.M.. So it's not good. So don't be afraid, don't be afraid. I don't think.
I don't think you're crazy, I just think you're funny and you see and I would be just as crazy as you so we can be crazy together because I like that kind of humor. I don't care what anybody thinks exactly.
You know, I a.
It is interesting, but there's something about having the confidence. To be vulnerable to the confidence, to be yourself, that changes the way people treat me. I remember I used to work in school and. There is a group of lads, and they were largely noticeable when all of this stuff and would be like anyone was, if you know that guy all the time, they perform this kind of stuff. And then there was this kid who. Was he was he was seen all the time and he was performing arts and he was really out there and I thought I was going to just try to make an embolism and that and they weren't they were joining in.
And I was really surprised at how they type of it. And it was just he was just so content, happy with himself that they just they kind of looked up to it and the boys that would normally be so macho and that we're all like looking up to him and joining in and singing with him and giving it. Some told me that it's something it's not what you do, but it's the energy which you bring to it and that changes how people treat you.
There's something in if you come with trepidation and you come with hedging, looking for a response, it changes how people react to sometimes what you do actually helps to bring people out of their shells and out of the normal codes of behavior that they live by. And it's not a bad thing in most respects because if you are not being ridiculed, they're not being laughed at. You are not being seen as deranged or other or some strange, you know, because the question is what is normal and what is normal behavior.
OK, and. We need to be willing to accept ourselves and to display ourselves and that people will accept us if it's genuine, it's and it's you and you do not show any sense of embarrassment about your your gifts. Let's call them your gifts, whatever you are, OK? I know that if I start laughing, if you give me a joke here now and I start laughing, you're going to say, oh, she's crazy because I will laugh until I cry if it's really funny and you say, what's wrong with her?
But that's just that's just me. Is she going crazy? No, I'm not. But people looking on her think, oh, she's she's just mad. And I use that as an example to say that we react to different things in different ways. And it doesn't necessarily mean that it is that it is it's not good and it is crazy or unusual. And I think we need to also be willing to look at people and see why they behave the way they do rather than just being judgmental.
We would like to label before actually appreciating why some things occur in Norway, a person does something the way they do it, and if we give them that slack, maybe we can find that there's a gem hidden behind that facade or that what we think of as strange behavior and stateless. And because I guess if you've always been quite a confident person, it's maybe a bit easier to just show everybody it works. But I guess in my situation, I really struggle to.
To do anything like that, even though I want to like in certain situations, I look to be silly and I could do it at home, but like at work, for instance, that I always take the back seat and not really get involved. Sabata too scared of what other people thought. Sounds like you need a friend to heat it up and crack. Yeah, that be quite often we want to screw the screw with a screwdriver with the first find your screwdriver in order to screw, you need to know your own knowledge in order to know what it's like for you to drive yourself, you need to know your own emotion, your instinct, if you know that, wow, it's just hot buttons.
It's turning on the whole world and yourself.
So how do you find that?
Just be yourself, at least in your GPS. I couldn't do that. You can call it whatever you love. Hoft, look at all of the pictures. Let you go back into Sentry's everybody all the time doing here because we are so busy now ahead. We're just so busy doing kind of things. The Daily Beast, we want to be productive guests would like to see do one little two little things, three little things. And you do consistently every single day with the company detecting couple of hits, you will have better results.
Think about that, Cuttack. You can choose having one million pounds today or have one penny, come on. Which one would you choose for the first few days?
Apologies, a million pounds, why me to because it's so easy option.
Exactly. Everybody wants the easy guess what? The real person not going for easy because that's somebody else giving for it. And you never worked for it. And you easy losing a spot. Yeah. Compound effect. It's actually a behavior because what's happening is actually can make in 30 days, 10 million pounds and that's going more with one million pounds. What you will start to do. Thank you. Goodbye. So that's not the behavior that's actually you feel as the buyer cannot be told.
You need to be a creative.
One thing I think we need to think of all the time. Well, I do a lot sometimes if I'm in the company of people who constrain me in several ways, then I am not being true to myself. They are not allowing me to be me, and therefore I'm cheating myself and I. That's not doing me any good, because if I'm constraining my behavior, then it means that apart from making myself smaller, I'm also not able to grow any more.
I can't grow further because I'm being put into a smaller box than I normally would occupy and. I think sometimes we feel that we need to be with certain types of people or certain groups of people for whatever reason, and it is that association that actually helps to cement certain behaviors in ourselves, because that's how we have to behave within that group. And if we release ourselves from those circumstances, we may find that things that we think about ourselves are not well have come to accept about ourselves.
They really don't apply because we can become who we really are. We can show who we are. Because I've seen people and I know it has happened to me where I go from a familiar set of circumstances and a strange place, and I do things differently and I behave slightly differently than where I was before because I was expected to be in a certain mode, whereas I'm starting brand new. Nobody has criticized me for doing something in a different way or what have you done, blah, blah.
That kind of thing, I remember when I was at university in the United States, everybody used to I used to be called self-support, appal because I'm left handed and it was a kind of a candidate, the South Pole. Oh, Betty, you don't know that because you're left handed. And I had to be defended defending my right to be left handed, which is nothing. That was an unknown experience to me because nobody and that wasn't a part of me that was up for discussion or making me feel less than or anything in the past.
And once I left that that nobody has ever done that to me again. I've never lived anywhere where that has become an issue. So I think where you are and the people who you are can influence how much growth you you allow yourself.
Yes, so what was going to say was I think they were kind of talking about how. Someone becomes more confident or. Photos of themselves, and I think that comes back to confidence in the sense that. You are not, for example, taking on what some travelers are saying about left and right, and this is a bit like if you if you're walking down the street and someone that you've never seen before clearly looks. Looks like her, looks like some idiot turns around and says to you that you are an idiot.
Chances are you're going to look at them and think, well, actually, I don't know what you're talking about. Then you'll move on and you'll go, wow, what a disrespectful person. If, on the other hand, somebody whose opinions matter pulled you idiot, that really hurts emotionally. And I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it isn't what happens to us or what others think or behaviors that matters, but it is the importance that we are attached to them.
So if you feel that others must be accepting of you, then you will behave in a particular way that you feel will make you acceptable to them, and that then can prevent you from being yourself, because now you got to you are trying to second guess what they want and you are trying to behave in that way. I think the real confidence comes when you can say, well, actually I'm OK and as an individual and therefore I'm going to behave the way I am.
If they cannot see that, then. The potential is the problem, I say potentially because if you do have a problem, you don't have the ability to self reflect, see it and fix it. So so everybody is work in progress. Nobody's perfect. But they have the confidence to know that actually I'm kind of OK, I've got my faults, some I know, some I don't know, and that will not inhibit me from behaving the way I am.
I'm working on my faults, and if I suddenly realized that I am behaving, let's say I behaved very disrespectfully here and I suddenly realized, OK, then I will have to apologize for my indiscretion. And if everybody is. Shall we say a normal person? They will kind of be accepting of it, unless, of course, I'm being indiscreet all the time, in which case that kind of work, you're just not going to go away. But assuming that you really want to make amends and you apologize, people accept it.
You learn from your mistakes and you will. So it is OK to make mistakes. In fact, you have to make mistakes in life. You cannot go through life without making mistakes, without making that embarrassing moment. You will fail in life. It's like you have to because you don't learn anything if you don't fail, if you don't make mistakes. And so sometimes some lessons are more painful than others. But this the way you know. And so I suppose what I'm saying is that.
The important thing is to have. Or at least be able to self reflect on your behavior and try and see yourself not in a judgmental way, but in a balanced way also. OK. Was I not OK, but also accepting that you will have faults and that's OK. And if you want to behave silly outside and other people behave silly. But obviously, there are certain social norms, certain things that are acceptable, and you will have to behave within those parameters.
Of course, you can't go around and say somebody like because you think it's funny to watch them wrong. But you know, the complexity. But then within those parameters, it's OK. And if you do step over the line and you're upset, somebody then apologize. And so long as you're genuine about it, then chances are they will be OK. And so if you don't get this idiot down the street that kills you, you will say, well, that's fine.
You can call me anything you want, but that doesn't make me an idiot just because you call me that. I know that I'm not one and you can just carry on and therefore. Stop, I suppose, placing undue importance on others opinions. And perhaps that is what prevents you from. Being naturally yourself, though, you give other people's opinions more credibility than they deserve, and that automatically gives them the power over you, because if they do not approve of your behavior, you feel compelled to change your behavior.
So now you are doing what they want you to do. It's almost like they're pulling the strings. Well, that wasn't very nice of you. And you think, oh, my God, I must behave differently because it wasn't my me. Why? Because he said it wasn't nice of me. Well, what makes him such a great judge? So you have to be able to look at yourself and say, well, actually, does he have a point?
If he doesn't have a point, then why do you think that? So when you have confidence in yourself and someone says you're an idiot, you'll think, why does he think that? You know, is it the color of my clothes? Maybe not. OK. Don't say anything wrong. Your career so it doesn't affect you. You may do a self check, but it doesn't affect you to not go into some sort of I must fix it mode.
But am I making sense sort in my book, something confused?
It made sense, so I tried to answer a number of questions all at the same time.
So I I've got a different perspective on the issues in relation to this point. So I just I think from experience as an introvert, so when I was in school, I was allowed as a kid, I was the kid like he I just in class. And so when I went to high school, I was in the top set. And because I missed about on disrupting the class, I was put to the bomb set. And every night for a year I had detention and I realized I didn't really like the kids in my class.
I thought, what am I doing? Entertaining everyone? And so I just shut up and I didn't speak out. So then I went to college and then it was hard to speak out and I went for jobs and it became a habit. And I'm someone like at times I isolate and I get lost in my thoughts and I'm like. And so then when you come out, it's difficult. And I think that's what anxiety is. It's a lot of it is a habit and it's hard to change because you're in like a rock.
And if this feels Treva but there's kind of a rut and you then become scared to step out of that room because it's different. So I think really, like I said, do like it. I like a tiny thing that you can do because if you speak up once, it becomes easier. But every moment is a choice and you've got something to say. I'm sure you felt this, that there's been times whether you've got something to say, but you don't want to say it because it puts you out there.
And if you say it or if you say one little thing, and I think anxiety is this thing, there's this like fire. And the closer we get to it, the whole story gets. But if we go through it, it disappears. But what happens for a lot of people is you get and we feel the heat and we shrink back. And so then the fire gets bigger. And so it's less that we have to go before we feel that heat.
So I think some of it is a habit. And what that creates is so much stress in maintaining where things are. And so something that's helped me is realizing that no one's really listening to you. No one really cares. And everyone is so full of their own life they want you to remember. And then the other thing is in public speaking. I remember six nervous research service when you're scared is because you're focused on yourself, when you when you let go of that and you focus on other people, like there's things that you can say, there's things that you can share that will be of use to them.
And if you focus on them, you forget about yourself and then that subconsciously discourage Nicole.
I I'm just going to say you're crazy, really saying everyone has the crazy. I watched a YouTube video from the school of law, and that's insane about your relationship with this get together with. So we tend to hide our crazy side and then over time, so reveal it slowly and then it scares the shit out of each other because we didn't realize. You. Yeah. Just basically knowing your crazy owning it and putting it fourth straight away and saying this is who I am.
And if you both do that, then you can both work out whether you can work with that or not and feel more confident in authentic self and kind of feel comfortable where there is just no one. What's the smallest bit was the smallest that was small you to show and then go the.
Yeah, basically, then you see, this story reminds me when I was a child as well, what kind of behavior they had, the children didn't want me to do that. They just didn't know I botten Romania and Romania, D.C. got fucking and go home. When I my family chose to move to Hungary, we went to the small village where it's two thousand people living and always the villages did not like the French people. Even inside I was Hungarian and my grandfather was fighting for the Hungarian country.
So the children how to behave on those coming from Romania also to say, you want to fucking get straight to the nine years old, I had to go through about these discrimination. They came behind me. They started checking behind my looking shower and all this kind of behavior and not talking about I was one month just in the school when they pushed me. I keep my head in the bank and it's all been my head in the back. And guess what?
Nobody really cared about that anymore. And the time was that much anxious. I couldn't even protect myself. My sister Camil came over and she put me up all the way until they give me that strength and be proud of who I am today and to be not afraid to show for everybody just because people like that this doesn't mean I will let anybody see the future. I will stand up to not happen for anybody in the future because that's where I am.
And I believe everybody should stand up. If they seem to stoop to kicking somebody and say, fuck off, don't do that for others because they are human being. You are not supposed to do that.
OK, well said.
I think that seems like a powerful way to end tonight. Thank you, everyone, for coming along and for sharing your perspectives as we closing. So really what this is about is about sharing different perspectives, different stories, because each of us. We see the world with different lenses and as you just said, when you can see the lens through someone else's. Lands, we enrich our world. And when we say quiet is when we're not giving someone the gift of seeing through violence.
Because together we're all stronger than we are alone. We're all smarter. We all none of us have the truth, but all of us have a part of the treif. And it's about how can we share that and how can we see that from other people? So does anyone want to share anything, any perspective or insight or feeling that they got from tonight?
I'm bloody fabulous in my imperfection.
Yeah. One more thing about anxiety, but recently I realized anxiety, as you say, it's a habit or we can use another name. It's a program. It's about controlling the future. Yes, a lot of us can control that. So we have to stop all that thinking because that's waste of time and energy that you can control. Sometimes your own thoughts to how you want to control the future and other people's behavior might just be yourself. You will change, which really goes back to like on that graph of of what makes a good relationship is about a relationship of freedom.
A bad relationship is a relationship to control. And in the same way, if we look at our problems, they're really where we are trying to control life as opposed to experience life. OK, well, thank you, everyone. Look forward to seeing you next week if you can make it. See you then. Have a good week.