After our 5 Day Get Relationship Clarity Sprint we looked at what’s the next step. How do you go to confidence from clarity.
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the past, helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips.
Where we left with was clarity was over good. But clarity in itself doesn't lead to results, clarity tells you what you need to do. Clarity helps you see how to navigate what what to do. So so the steps from clarity to confidence, I think in every journey there's a problem. It starts with a problem. It's a bit like the hero's journey. There's some problem. And if there's ever a it's usually a problem that someone recognizes, like someone feels unhappy in their situation or they want something.
And I can't get. And the problem is that the framework that we're operating from breaks at the point of what we want. So whatever results we've got, we have the framework for that. But if we upgrade our expectations and what we want, that's the point at which our framework, meaning the assumptions, the beliefs and the expectations that we want. That's the point with that framework. Right. So where we have a problem is because what we want or the challenge that we're facing has broken the model that we're working with.
Does that make sense? Yeah, most journeys like journeys of growth begin with a problem. And that problem is that the framework is broken. Now, when we look at the relationship journey, there's a whole economic model that's built. On the way, things were so when you look at the media of Cosmo, all of those types of magazines that bill on, these are the tips to get get get them, get your man car adverts and watch adverts are built on this is the car and this is the watch.
And this is the deodorant that's going to or the aftershave that's going to have women falling at your feet. So there's that model. There's inertia of it's always harder to change than just to stay as it is. There's also the thing of. People don't want to hurt your feelings, so people often don't tell you the truth, and it was just he was a date, she's a cow and it's dismissive of people. And it seems because it's easy to demonize someone so that you don't have to change.
So. Many people don't change. And so that's why they get frustrated by getting the same results, because they're using the same model and what they want is something that needs a new model or new framework. So the next step is the clarity of finding the new. So what is so it's a little bit like breaking up, building a muscle, you know, like if you go to the gym when you want to build a muscle. But what actually happens is that you have to exercise.
So the exercise is only the stimulus. And what the exercise does is it gets blood into the muscle. And so to build a muscle, you have to get so much blood in that it bursts the muscle. And so like so the muscle actually ruptures and over the next few days. That's why bodybuilders spend like have to sleep and eat loads of protein and sleep. Floyds because when you sleep it repairs. And so they actually muscle and as it repairs you get scar tissue and then the muscle grows and that's how we grow muscle.
But in the same way, if you want a better relationship journey than you have, you have to break your model. There's some like the model that you work with is limiting. You can only get so much results from the model that you have. So you have to find a way of breaking the model, which comes to like there's a period of confusion and disillusionment. And on day one it was girl, I didn't know at the time by sort of after that she said, I'm really disillusioned.
Well, that's a good place to be at the start because disillusions means you get the illusion it's no longer working and it's going from one illusion to in the end, you're going to have another illusion, but it's going to be a bigger illusion and some time that's going to have to break as well. Is this making sense for this too abstract delusions relating to reality? Both of them become illusions.
Yes, they should. And so the illusion becomes more reality. But it's like science. Science only works on the hypothesis. Science is never proven. It's just one hypothesis has more evidence than another, but it's always open to the possibility that it could it could change. So like scientists can find evidence that the sun won't rotate forever and that would change the hypothesis because. If you look at the history or the evolution of humanity, everything that we believe has been found to be untrue, you know, the flat earth, the sun rotating around the earth, all of these things were limitations of each stage.
And so in the same way, we have limitations of each stage of relationship. And so as we want better relationships, we have to break the old model. OK, so clarity is about changing the paradigm when you change the paradigm, you change the framework, but people get stuck because it's different and this fear of different because it's a hassle to give it the attention and the energy to to change. And it's more comfortable to stay with what is.
So the next stage is from clarity, ghosty to capacity. So capacity is about the capability because we can know what to do, but not do it. So it's about the emotional, it's about really overcoming the resistance because there's always a resistance to Grofe any kind of change. We're always resistant to the emotional capability, is the capacity that we have limits or determines our ability to operate so we can't develop skills that we don't have the capability to to to deliver.
So the capabilities like the soil. So the skill is like planting a seed that then grows. But if you don't have the right soil or the right environment, then the. Like the skills when we grow and develop. So. So there's always resistance to capacity, so that's really what keeps people stuck, is fear is it means you have to step out of your comfort zone, which people are notoriously reluctant to do. So the next level is the competence, which is like the no how?
Because once we have once we know what to do and once we have the capability to do it, it's about the skills of what you did. So what keeps people stuck? There is a lack of a lack of attention and concerted effort. It's really learning new skill is it makes you feel stupid because you don't get it right the first time. It's difficult. You have to devote time to it. And so you have to really value what the skill really will bring you.
And so then the next stage is competence, and a lot of people like you could just stop a competent and a lot of people. I mean, if you look at people in their careers, lots of people would just sort of genuine. Carpenters or plumbers or something, they're quite happy with that, but there's a few that to go for mastery and the difference between competence and mastery is someone who's competent can do 80 percent of the work, maybe 90 percent.
But there's certain things that are so difficult that they have to be uniquely done. And that's where the master craftsman comes in. So to go from competence to confidence is about mastery, which is just time and commitment. So I was going to. I can't seem to share this, but some people, Rob, you say my story has two components, but don't you have to have assessment, periodic assessments to see whether or not you're making progress if you're improving, don't you?
OK, so when we set up a school, we set an arbitrary curriculum. We set we set a assessments, selection levels and professional ones, but they're set by someone within the specific framework. So what they're saying is we've decided we know everything. This is the box. So in a in an academic or professional context, yes, you would need assessment, but I think life gives you assessment. So I think the real assessment, because I've looked at this and I thought if there's a way that you could grade people, then you could do this.
But the problem is. You will be judging them by your own. Your own level of ignorance and to say, you know, like when you when there's people you sound like a coach, federation and speakers things and that and they're setting up by their own like counselors and therapists. There is like counselors and therapists. You have to be registered and you have to be qualified to be accredited. But you're only being accredited within the framework of what someone else who like there was no therapy, there was no counseling.
Someone said, this works, this works. And then they set up and I say, right, you have to do like let me come. When you look at the range of therapies and counseling, there's like Carl Rogers to he's like anything can go to someone who is the complete opposite, but different types of therapies that are very specific and must be this, this, this and this one was everything. Right. So, yeah. So I think the best way is if you have a problem.
If you have a problem, it's a sign that there's a problem in the framework, and I think that's your assessment. Does it work?
Well, maybe I should use the word not assessment, but self reflection, something where you sort of turn back on to yourself and it's not it's not really ticking boxes is not OK. I've got greedy or I've done this whatever. But I sort of reflective process where you go, you keep looking back, you kind of iterative system that allows you to see if you're making progress, if you need to change, if you need to what what's still unresolved, etc.
Yeah. And I think that comes to something else which another point which is. That a lot of people. They want to control the curriculum, so there's a line and a course in miracles that says, to paraphrase paraphrase, it's kind of like people got stuck because they want to control the curriculum of what they don't know how to teach themselves. So it's like someone wants results. They don't know how to do it. They don't know what the problem is, but they want to then control.
No, no. This is what I want to do. This is what I'm going to do. Like, you can't teach something that you don't know and you can't teach yourself something that you don't know. And so I think I think what you're pointing out is that we need outside. So in this there's a level of self awareness and we can only be as self aware as we can detached from ourselves, which is about the capacity. And when we come and.
So we're limited by our level of detachment or level of self-awareness and so. And we're limited by what we know. As in, we can't teach yourself what we don't know. So, yeah, I think we do need something from outside. I think that's part of the clarity. I think find the need. I think there has to be something some other source of. And it can be a reflection if you're really self aware, but usually they need some introduction of other ideas as well.
I think we can get that from other people as long as those people are different enough from ourselves. I think that's the value of conflict, is that when you have two different polarities, there's some truth in this. There's some truth in this. And somewhere in merging into you transcend that level. OK. Does that make sense so far? Okay, so the other thing was on the Friday before last, I talked about seven seven relationship problems and seven projects.
And I've since looked at it and I thought actually, I think that we can condense them to four because I think finding a partner is not qualitatively different from connecting. I think in connecting, it's connecting to new people and it's connecting to people on a deeper level. But I think it's still the same skill set. The self mastery, I think underpins all of the others. I think that's the we're limited in the capacity of each skill by that ability.
And healing is part of self regulation, emotional soul like self mastery, whatever you want to call it. And I think that underpins everything. So I think the four connection, connection, conversation, choosing like choosing a partner and managing conflict. And at the center of all of those. Is capacity like your emotional capacity to cope? Does that make sense? Yeah, so I think what we need is in each of those skills, there's a range from the conference, like I said, is confidence, competence.
Capacity, clarity. And then it goes to confusion, frustration, despair, so there's four skills which are. Connect connecting to others. Being able to have conversations that matter. Managing conflict, choosing a partner, and at the center of all of them is the emotional capacity to be able to do so for a moment of self reflection just from your husband. You say this is the point where it can break because depending depending on your awareness of what level you need of those skills and your awareness of where you are, where would you rank yourself on each of those?
One to 10 say the ability to connect, the ability to have deep conversations, the ability to manage conflicts and the ability to choose a partner. And what would you say? So once to 10. One being low Tembin mastery rope, I think is quite hard to determine just because if you think about your life in different settings, you know, in a professional setting is different to a home setting or in a relationship setting. So to kind of answer honestly, it would depend which one I'm focusing on.
It can be very good at managing conflict within a professional setting, but maybe not so good between me and another person and a one to one basis. Yeah, would probably either you find an average of everything or you just kind of think, OK, me and a whole life, this is how I am or me and.
Yeah, okay. So this bit might clarify. So if you think about where you would like to be in terms of relationship. So for here we're talking about romantic relationship. Where would you like to be, where would you say you are now? So we're looking at if you look at remember that the age of confusion, that graph. So where you are now, where you'd like to be, because we're looking at. On a framework like growing that framework, what's the next step?
What's the next step that needs to happen for you? So they're going to be about three or four milestones times, so it might be. Connecting to someone like dating and finding someone that you want to be in a relationship with, or it may be that you have someone and it might be connecting deeper or it might be managing conflict or it could be growing the capacity or choosing the right person or conflict conversations. So which to which which will be No.
One to master, which could be number two. So, for example, if if you're on dating sites, I'm not really dating very many people, then the first step would probably be a connection. The next step would be maybe conversations or it might be capacity. Or if most of your relationships have ended in conflict, then maybe until you're in a relationship, there's a lot of conflict, then maybe it's dealing with conflict first. So that makes sense.
Then when you say connection, what you meant, because the connection to be something of something that came out of the conversation. But that's not what you're thinking.
So connection, connection. Is this the sense of connecting to new people so as inviting so like if you if you're dating, then there's all these people and you need to connect to get to know someone. So there's connection on that level, but there's a whole spectrum of connections. It could be you're in a relationship with someone, but it's comfortable. And so it's about having a deeper connection with it to be that rather than we both happen to have gone to Egypt or something.
Yeah, it used to be I did have this was seven. And finding someone was different from deepening the connection. And then I thought, well, really the problem people in relationships have they stopped dating and connecting is really about the dating within the relationship. But it's the same skill really as meeting someone new eyes, deepening it. So it's just the two aspects. So connecting would be developing relationship from stranger to soulmate or whatever you want to call it.
Because I this is because I struggle with this will say myself in a different way, in the sense that I saw them as hierarchical. I kind of felt that conversation was the baseline that produced the connection because I was thinking at a deeper level and if you want stuff, then you can potentially manage conflict and the ultimate, which was a partner.
It's both. It's very semantics and evah. You could you could do the conversation to Conexion. But conversation for me is the vehicle of connection conversation is is a conscious communication because you're always communicating, but conversation is the conscious. I'm going to consciously deepen that. And I think that's a separate skill set back. So it could be a conversation that leads to connection. But connection is about sensitivity to to be what the government's told someone makes a bid for your attention.
And it's like picking up on that, as in like a tennis match. It's about kind of being romantic, is about having fun. It's about sharing ball and in conversation is very nice to that.
Yeah. But then this is also a continuum. I'm sorry if I'm taking the whole conversation on a tangent because you have a conversation. We could also talk to each other in the chat room. So it's just a conversation. Right. But through that conversation, because it's like a circle in the sense that you may find that you have a lot in common in terms of ideals or thought processes or value systems and so on, that made them feel the connection that you're talking about.
And the more you talk and the more stronger the connection gets. So it's more simple, but it kind of goes round and round. You know, it's not like you can have a conversation and then you've got connection and that's it. You just know what, they're both continuums. And so you build one to connect to the other one. Then it's almost like building them both together at the same time to one, not the other. Yes. That's why I kind of but for me it was like, well, if you can have the conversation, this started at the very beginning.
If you talk to somebody and you can, then you can find out that there's a connection. You established a connection that generates more deeper conversation, which generates some more feeds onto the connection. So you've got a virtuous circle going on that that allows you to manage the conflict differences of opinion. Are you respectful to the other person's opinion? And so you're not always going to agree on everything, but how you handle that is also important. And if you have that connection and a conversation, then you can manage the conflict effectively and ultimately assuming there is a physical romantic interest and potentially choosing a partner.
So that's the way I saw it. But I saw I had difficulty in saying that. I just thought, that's all right.
That's yeah. No Hierarchal and thank you for the perfect meal together, because really the point of connection so that as you connect to someone, you can only connect as far as that as you have capacity and they have capacity to. Yeah, the level and the conversation is the way that you connect. And that level will reach a point where you which will help you to know, is this the right person or not, because there's going to come a point where that connection is going to break and it's the person that you can go with the deepest connection or ongoing connection that, you know, helps you to choose.
So and like I said, is all of those they all they're all part of the same. That they all linked together. What I'm thinking is if we go into breakout rooms, this is what this is like, my priority number two. This is number two, like in my mouth, I'm from where I am to where I want to be. I need to focus on one, two, three, four. Is everyone clear? I know there was some that was a long breakout room because there was some confusion and ignorance.
So long, get an idea.
We had the discussion with Terrell about this. Three, we had a very good discussion about this with Daryl after you give us that advice.
Especially about Apple, Campbell, and his smile.
Look at him, you see the of apple crumble. Always makes me smile with an ice cream to.
I'm just thinking in this connection, I food.
I think what is the main issue, what we realize we all that we are projecting that will be will be rather than to be just bloody dead and to eat whatever will coming. Don't think the dog is jumping up. Don't thinking I'm going to catch that bloody boss and the whole going to fall. But as the human we all thinking about this. Yeah. And you don't do after.
Yeah. It's it's almost all. Capacity. People are always looking for the technical, looking for the whatever, but it is really about the emotional capacity. That's that's the biggest challenge if if people like if yeah, if people just. But I did it, but it is so much of worried what other people think and so on.
But also, there are more and more thinking about the results, it's you know, you do things you it's it's almost like your work life gets into your personal life. If you expend energy and time and effort, what result will you get out of it? You know, what is the outcome? If you spend all of this and you've expended this time and effort and you have nothing to show for it, you're a failure. What's happening in. When as as Dana says, just go with the flow, just.
Enjoy it for what it is.
Let's cut through some. Do you have to think about what lesson the person should give us? I will describe the lesson.
Yeah, but the lesson comes, as you say, be free and let it go. Let it just and just just go with the flow and then after you will derive some lessons from it, I think. But if you start thinking that I need results from before, it means that you are looking for an outcome before you have even gotten to the to the exercise.
Yeah. Yeah, it's OK. So you always get a result. But if you don't get the positive result, it shows you that the model is broken. And so then. And it's like it's like starting a snowball with that inertia and things like when you start the ball rolling. It's always really difficult and then when it gets a then it starts to have its momentum. So and the real problem that people have is that they want the results because they're not sure of the results, because they're not confident.
They're not certain. They're not sure it's going to work. So that what they're looking for is evidence before the evidence, before they've done, they've committed to it. But you can't get evidence without commitment. And so really, the result is not the relationship is not finding the partner is not any of those things. The real result has to be the habits, the practices. Because when you make. The practice, the goal. So, for example, if we were looking at.
Having healthy teeth. What do we do, eating apples? OK, so we know Floss clean out a. And we know if we take our teeth every day, floss and eat an apple, we're probably. Well, we're doing the best we can to have good taste as much as we can. Yeah. So in the same way, but a day to day or even a week after cleaning your teeth. You might not have that result. The.
It's the accumulation, you know, that if you don't, you won't have the result, you know that your teeth will rot. Like, how do you get fit? How do you get in shape?
It's commitment, it's actually drive silence that would have been nice to describe this, because you'll actually like for the children as well. You don't even think. You just do. You know, you would sacrifice yourself. Similar in disgust for the feelings you just have to go and do it if you want that feeling, OK?
So yes, I like to say, like, you're really going to show up and you want to get into shape. Then if you do nothing, you're going to get more out of shape. If you exercise, you're not going to see the result of the first exercise session. You're not going to see after the first week. But, you know, if you continue, continue, continue, continue to do it and eat well and all that, obviously, the three months, six months and a year, you're going to be in much better shape.
And it's really the same thing, but the problem is people are. So, look, I think very nicely about this. We was talking about the compound effect, we underestimated what we can do in five, 10 years and we overestimate what we can do in the one two months.
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and it's and you mentioned Salicylic, but he also talked about the millennials, about the millennials being in the job six months ago. I'm going to leave because I'm not making an impact here in a career. You have to spend four years studying to get a degree just to get in the door. You then have to maybe spend five years working, learning the culture, working your way up to be in a position to do something.
And if you give up too early because you're not seeing signs, you're never going to get there the same way. I think people are looking for. Evidence they need to see your partner, they need to see they feel like this. I think there's so much pressure, this whole framework of like if you're single, then there's something wrong with you, whereas. What comes to mind is the bamboo tree is the quickest tree, bamboo tree grows the quickest, but for like two years or three years or something, you see no evidence, nothing happens but is growing these deep roots.
And then it goes like Tufa in a in a month or something like dramatically. That is nothing for a couple of years. And then and then it grows so high, so quick because it's built all of these things. So when it feels like you're putting all this working and not getting any results, what's happening is you're realizing, like if you're aware, like there's a problem, it's not working. You realize that the model is broken. You expand the model model's broken, you expand the model.
What you're doing is building those roots. So then when when you've built all these roots and you've built all the levels of nutrition to come in, then you can supercharge the growth. So it can be that you're not in the relationship, but you're learning the skills. It can be that relationships that aren't working out are building the roots so that you know what you need. Because really, if you really knew, like if you were really at the level of confidence in these skills, it would be no problem.
You go find someone, you would it would all go right. And but it's. It's working out, so it's not like you can learn a skill and it'll be all right. You can learn dating, which is connecting and dating, which are probably the simplest bit, stays once you work, once you work out like the kind of algorithm of how that works, that you can meet someone. But that doesn't mean that you're going to have the relationship, because if you don't have the capacity, if you don't have all the other stuff, but it's it's really like last week was really about.
The results that you get in your relationship are set in your neurology. And. Those not getting results and rebuilding, like breaking the mold of rebuilding it, breaking the mold, rebuilding it is the expansion is the preparation for changing your numerology. And when you change in neurology like it's all out there, it's just what is what is our block? And we've all got individual blocks and individual challenges based on our experiences. Our perceptions are on the side is now framework's.
And I forgot how we even got onto this was a question we were on the screen all. I think it was an Cairo discussion. Yeah, it is really, you see, the thing is that. One of the messages I was trying to get across last week in connection is more important than relationship is about. It's a journey. It's not about the relationship because we all want it to be. We've got this partner. That's it. I'm saying I don't have to worry about that.
I'll take that box of life. And it's really the acceptance that we're always going to have relationship problems because not just romantic, but personal business, all kinds of like family relationships, every all of these are challenges. And this is why the capacity, the neurology is really important, because that is what determines the quality of the connection. And so we find from the results that we're getting or not getting, we find where the bugs are in our system.
All right, so I've got a question. So what do you feel? What do you feel you need on that journey of growth?
Confidence to be loved yourself to be know who you are. And to be exposed to others. Because the people see you as you see yourself, if you don't believe in yourself, who will?
So. OK, so practically. What are the steps to achieve that?
Take your stuff first. You need to go through the house, you need to failed and do not afraid from the failure, but that's brings up the confidence after. I think the lesson every single day reflect, reflect and start till your Talma's, that's when it's come and you will start understanding yourself. And don't be afraid to be go out and speak who you are. Even if it's 100 people who will not say a word when somebody's attacking one guy, just go there.
And so you don't accept that behavior. Doesn't matter. What if you do not accept stand up for the seat and show it.
I think it boils down to two things to cement knowledge and a will to take action. So it kind of links to what journalists were saying in the sense that the confidence perhaps able to lead to the ability to take action. So that's kind of the training built into the engine, if you like, the knowledge, the reflection, self reflection, being able to understand where you come from, breaking the mold, pulling it together, that sort of thing, learning that gives you the ability or the knowledge to know what you have to do, that you get them both working together to achieve what you need to achieve.
So wherever you are on this continuum, um, so long as you keep up and so long as you know or at least know what to do better than you did last time, at least, then eventually you'll get results. They won't get the result that you want straight away, but you will working the.
OK, so. So I agree, I agree that. That is about garnette in there and it is about self reflection is about. But we can't. We don't I mean, we get confidence from failure and we get confidence from just hearing and eventually. But a lot of people just don't. A lot of people just want, you know, like people need the confidence before. So what? OK, so what do you think you would need to, like, master the next milestone on your journey?
What would it take like, because time is about time is a construct. Really, it's just so the time between now and then is what you need. So if you if you had what you need are the first milestone, you've collapsed that time. Does that make sense? So rather than taking two months, it could take you could do it now. So what would help you on that journey? What would give you the confidence? What would encourage you to try?
What would. Help me learn the lessons to reflect what you just need to be self conscious and self aware just to know exactly who you are and what where you're going.
OK. I agree. The thing I'm trying to get is. We will, I think will pretty much agreed that is what it is, just the Congress has to do it self-awareness to know it. But is a how does someone get that?
Nelson Mandela or see that pattern of that behavior from somebody for so many of us, we don't even have word about, does it totally extinct until we don't see we don't know what we don't know or until we don't see it.
And that's what like I was saying about you can't control the curriculum.
OK, we have to surround ourselves with people who can assist us, because it's been great talking about this in the nation, that it's us doing everything and we must beat our own drum. But sometimes having a supportive network does help you to build your confidence, does put you into environments where you can be comfortable enough to not be so intimidated and introverted and, you know, all the rest of it. And so you're able to connect with people that you probably normally wouldn't if you were on your own, but also being mindful that you need people who are supportive of you rather than people who will denigrate you, not be not be on your side, not not be helpful to you.
And I think for people who are probably into introverted, they do need that support system to help them to to cope with being in social situations and to find their feet in a way where I was a confident person with, you know, on straight out and go off and talk to whoever. As I told my group, the doctors told I mean, I'm fine. I say hello to anybody. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to go any further.
But at least I can break the ice, OK? And I've had many people look at me very, very strangely, like why she even said hello. Who is she? What does she want me? But I don't care. I've gotten you know, and that's because I come from a society where if you don't say hello, you are seen to be very rude. So I do I do it without even thinking. But be that as it may.
I think that is part and parcel of it. Know who you are. Know what you are comfortable doing and know what you need. Support, what kind of support you need.
So we talk about because I'm interested in this because I'm looking at starting a couple of groups, and when you talk about a supportive group, because I do think I think people need. Insights from outside, and I think they need. There's something about community in the way that because if you do something new, it's scary and it can help to have someone else who tells you it's OK, you can make a small step so that you can get more like a little bit braver.
Yes, so so what? I don't know if I keep calling you Janos because he says I don't know if you have an answer to that.
Well, if you believe or not, I used to be very neutral, that boy. My mum, when I was eight, sent to my grandmother to ask some money and I had to write down what to say for my grandma in order to ask the money for my mum. I was, like, unable to speak. I had to write down the face, whatever I believe and think it's possible, you could keep practicing what I learn. In all my life to get back up, plan all this, because eventually your emotion will take over and we'll try to take you back and the life will challenge, you will put a lot of shit in front of you.
But the question do you try to make from that beautiful compost? What do you think the great flower, the beauty on the earth, or do you just keep doing the same? I've charged out the night using something else, and I created course in my life, I call it on people in my life, if I emotionally get to that level, they can come to me, hug me and say, remember what you teach me. And not that I know how to go back to my past again and again, so it needs a back up plan.
We all need that because we are humans. We will lose ourselves if we don't have some people would remind us from outside of you.
Yeah, that reminds me of there's a quote I think is some some military figures. He said, like, we don't we don't we don't rise to the level of our expectations. We fall to the level of our training and. I think we we all think it'll go perfectly or we'll do this and it will be, I think in relationships like if you can get every couple is going to college can be brilliant because we love each other and that will be enough.
And what relationships do is they fall to the level of your training as opposed to your expectations.thing small, let them know at:
I love that because it reminds me of the conversation we had in the break room. I think that's the perfect analogy for dating. If you change how you show up, people change. It's exactly the same way. If you smile, other people, they'll respond differently. And I think that's the thing that most people dislike dating and they don't expect it to go well. And so then it becomes this transactional. Element, which brings out the worst in everyone.
Yeah, and I think I think you have to find what works so personally for me, I don't I'm not a fan of affirmations, but it's knowing what works for you and whether it's meditation, mindfulness or contemplation or whatever that makes you whatever makes you stronger, really. And it's interesting how many people have do you have something like like a morning routine or something that sets you up, that you feel like you? Seem to be interested in other people's morning routines, are that so much of the day that we is a big mug of tea?
First things first. People don't speak to me. Do not speak to me. Do not tell me anything in. And then, yeah, I do actually do meditation in the morning and in the evening. That helps me through a off of yoga and meditation as well. And then have enough. It's fabulous. I am so envious of this discipline. Oh.
Like I said, I'm so envious of this discipline, I can't cope with it. It gives you a good focus. Actually, I think yoga first thing in the morning just sort of centered actually focus on the evening because I want to sleep well.
So I found yoga. I did yoga, but not so much like I don't think it was proper. Yoga is more the exercise of yoga. But there's nothing made me feel better. I don't like to stretch. And so I do gravity yoga now. It just stretches. But I know if I don't do that, you start to feel stiff. And I know if I do that, I feel much, so much better. Makes you feel better than any other form of exercise.
It's mental as well, though, isn't it? Well, the physical it is mentally. So I think it helps you as well.
It does. And I would like to to to make that jump. I haven't really I've read about, like, how you can help you sort of like emotionally and that I haven't got to that level with it. I don't I think I struggle with the tension, not just like that, like just give me the exercise and so on the same I can feel sorry for you focus on being in it. You shouldn't focus what you do because that's of course, how you do.
That's the important, because what I do in yoga, I do putting my body in the pressure and I start that control actually and expanding my tension level. So I will get triggered, let others almost die, you know. Couple of you guys are already here, but no, I'm here because I'm building up my tension by daily base, so my tension level is just expand like my comfort zone. And that is all about yoga, HIV training.
Basically, you try to teach yourself you got attention for 20 seconds. Then after that, you just start with the best to bring it back to calmness. That's all about yoga. So you put the tension, but actually you make flexible as well, your body and control it rather than the pause and.
I did briefing as well, I did. I did a briefing separately, like the briefing as part of yoga, whatever morning is this?
Personal sex and do it because then you just get the world to yourself for a while and you can hear the birds and not the noisy neighbors, it's one in seven. And I speak too early. I'm not an early morning person.
I did five five thirty and after to keep the gym straight, one five 30 after the gym, five 30, I do yoga and after six o'clock hit the gym at nine o'clock. Already work.
My biggest problem is I can't switch off a 90 to. So shall I sleep earlier? So I have to make it lighter, not a morning person.
You have to do some bedtime not. I've been telling myself for years because I didn't switch off either. So but they're also well, I started then and breathing now at night, like HIV training, breathing, and that's it. Just like that. Really. I need to look this up.
Yeah. You know, I'll I'll put in the chapter of the book. So we talked about the milestones, which everyone clear on what their milestones are and. What they need to do. To be confident.
It's it's hard to when you say milestone's, because it's they're so interconnected that. To my mind, you know, it's it's almost like going at the same pace with each one is is so interconnected with the other one that achievement in one thing is helping to reinforce the other's. In a sense. And so it's not a linear thing, it is it's integrated in a way that it falls back onto itself. In a way, yeah, yeah, that's what it's a bit like a.
like a spiral. Yeah, it's a spiral and yeah. And maybe even an infinite. Yeah, there's a graphic I've seen on social media of. It's like just going around in circles and how it feels and then from a different view, it's a spiral of. Continual growth and. But it's a bit like that you can feel that you can run around circles, but it can be just a growth of spirals.
So you're actually moving along the trajectory, but maybe not really feeling that you are.
Yeah, because it's like you say, when you when you get to one level and one thing, it highlights a deficiency in another area, which then triggers another and triggers. And then when you get there, then the problem is that you have to break the model again and you have to break the mold back at the beginning. And it feels like and this is why people get so frustrated because they don't realize this and got allow nothing seems to work.
I've done this not on this, but what we've actually had is they've had some people never change and almost the same thing. And so they get problem of the problem because they've not changed. And some people get different problems. And the different problems are different parts have been treated because what life is like stress testing and it's stress testing your model. And if it breaks like if you have a problem, it's because your model was broken. It didn't survive the stress test.
So every relationship gets stress tested and that's when relationships break. So the relationship is often broken from the start. But it just took 10 years for the right challenge to pressure test to the right place, because it's like when two people meet this neurology, this neurology sets the framework, that foundation is how strong the relationship can be. And the fragility might not be seen until we have a certain challenge like your big one, when kids put that pressure on you.
The fragility in someone is going to break all the like, family problems or money problems or different sex problems. They're the thing that cause. The fragility looks, the fragility then creates the disconnection and the disconnection, then creates the problem, which leads to why they actually write or why they think they broke up and people say, I broke up because just wanted to not only did this and that, but actually the problem was way further back in the fragility in their models and their frameworks.
But how do you learn, learn from OK, some people have the ability to look at their past relationships and take positive messages from it in terms of what went wrong. That's not really a positive, but it's a positive in the sense that you recognize it and you will work on it or, you know, in some way. And then in the next relationship that you that you that you take, that you embark on. But. Someone who recognizes the the issue is what went wrong with the last relationship, but has no clue.
As to how to change that dynamic in a new relationship, what would you say to somebody like that?
I think the first problem is most people aren't really diagnosing. The real problem is. And so what happens is people veer from this happened in this relationship. I want someone completely different. It's like the pendulum is not pendulum swings too far. And so they go into someone who's got the complete opposite problem and they think that they don't have that. But what they haven't realized is what the real problem is. It's the same problem, different polarities of the same spectrum.
And so then they have the same problem. And what it is is really them that they haven't really fixed and how it how they relate to that issue because. Really, it's not about the other person. Like when a relationship breaks, it doesn't really matter what the other person did. What matters is because everyone is out there is how you navigate in relation to other people and say what people do is they're trying to avoid this problem. And because they avoid this problem, I know there's going to be people grumbling are like, can you just give us a report at five a.m. so you can also be out to read it and ring around it?
And I don't ring me at 5:00 a.m. to have a good night and a good way. And so it's how you relate. And so this is where the spiral thing really is, because someone moves from one to the other. So they learn how to do that. And what I think is like, well, maybe they haven't really learned, but they try and avoid the problem with someone who's entirely the opposite. And so what happens is then they learn that and they realize of what the issue is, because they've learned with both polarities, they've learned how to deal with that issue and sometimes they don't.
Well, does that make sense?
Don't you think it's delayed the Macanese holiday popping up the defense just sometimes? Correct. So think about that. They are always acting in the same day with the same method. Or we could see the programs, but if somebody say something glass, they get upset. So that's the method. That's how we deal with that. And creating that emotion inside, and that's causing the issue for us. We are not taking responsibility on our own be feelings. I could see.
So we're not updating ourselves, but if we want to see deceit, we just always running the same same same software.
Yeah, I think there is there's approaches to problems. And I think that what you're really talking about, not so much what you said there, but like your message that you always come across is quite consistent. And that's a message of really about growth of capacity, and it's about being more present, that being more involved is about being more aware. And that's a proactive. And if you're proactive, you can outgrow the problems before they occur. And if you really grow and you really meditate and you reach this emotional capacity and a high level of operation, then you don't have those same, like, big problems.
You'll have more subtle problems. And then the other bit is that most people don't do that. Most people react to problems. So if you don't consciously grow, you'll have a problem and you have to grow from that problem. And most people grow from pine and. Yeah, and like I said, it's. The problems are, and I'm forgetting because I went off on that to address that, but I think what you said was they keep having the same problems because they don't change.
The framework is busy. And if somebody say something, they get upset.
Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah, that whole, like, pressure testing of the framework is emotionally is happening every time at work. It happens when you get bad customer service, when someone's rude to you, when someone sends you a shitty message, message, those that is really all the whatever the framework is in your whatever is in your framework. So you have. Better to have basic problems like change the framework. Does anyone else have any insights or whatever to share before we wrap up?
Just one thing, Rob, just thinking about everything we've talked about. A lot of it is about overcoming whatever fear you may have. And how do you overcome that? What mechanisms do you put in place, as you were saying about, you know, what's the box in your system? I think for most people is is a fear of something.
Yeah, yeah. I think. So if you look at if you look at culture, OK, so novels back before there was films or anything or novels were about troubles in the forest, and that was because there was no one because we didn't go in the forest and we didn't we were scared of what was in the forest when we went into the forest, we stopped being scared of that. And it became about the Loch Ness Monster and things in the sea because it was unknown.
And then it became when we became aware of specifics about aliens and then it's become about zombies and pandemics. So we're afraid of what we don't understand. And so, yeah, in the same way, we're afraid emotionally of what we don't understand. So that's why I think it's. It's important to break the model because the model is the model is the box, and we're afraid of what's happening outside the box. If we break the box and expand the model, then we become afraid of less because we understand more.
And as Sandra was saying, this is where we really need others, because, like if you imagine the first people who were scared to go through the forest, they went through the forest because they had no choice, because going through alone, you didn't know what monsters there. But if you've got 10 of your mates with Spears in that race, you're less afraid. So I think it's the same the same thing that if you. If you practice something with someone and it goes OK and they give you validation, reassurance, and then you can practice and practice it and you can you work out the kinks and the things that I'm not quite right then.
Then you start to develop a little bit more competence and you develop a little more confidence, and it's it's much like public speaking, like the amount of courses and books and things on public speaking, like Toastmasters is thousands of members and. And yet. Public speaking is still the biggest fear, more than dying. And it's just because ultimately these two things, one is you just get up and do it because that will that will break your faith eventually.
And then the other is. So what I had to change things for me was if you were afraid of speaking publicly. Is because your focus is on yourself. And if you say I had it fixed Novitzky service. And if you're focused on the other people and trying to give them the best message, trying to like what do they need, how can I help them if you're focused on them and you can't be nervous? Because any any negative feeling that we have is when we focused on ourselves, all the so when we talked about a line of like feeling good, feeling bad, that lying is where is our focus?
Because when we feel good, our focus on other people and when we feel bad, our focus is on ourselves. So anger, the nervous fear, all of these things are when we're focused on ourselves. So so a lot of it is realizing. And it's not just intellectual. So this is the problem that you could. You can just pick up a book and get all the answers, but you wouldn't do anything because that doesn't sink through to the operating system.
So you have to actually put it in practice and to put it in practice. There's going to be an anxiety the first time. Maybe the second and the third, but the thing about anxiety is the anxiety is future based fear. So you can't be anxious about something that's happened. So as soon as you do something, the anxiety goes. However, to get to that, people need to have the courage to try. And so sometimes, like, if you're right down and you're really bitter or you despair and you've got no hope, you don't have the courage.
So. Sometimes it's working up from wherever you are to what's the next step and sometimes the next step is to be frustrated and to be angry, and sometimes the next step is to be confused. So it's just. So it's a way of knowing where you are and trying to remember exactly what the question was, how do you how do you got in there? Because it. I've gone so far around in circle that I remember vaguely it's about overcoming fears that I was talking about, but I think we also need to learn to laugh at ourselves with some of the things that we do too seriously.
And as a result of that, we are so hard on ourselves because we are fixated on it being well done. It be meeting the unrealistic standards, be it meeting other people's standards, not yours, you know, and to win brownie points with whoever. And so we go through all of these hoops and sometimes it's just it's probably something so ridiculous that you just need to just laugh. You need to be able to see the lighter side of life.
And if you love people in love with you rather than not you.
And this is kind of what you said is just be yourself, because a lot of it is we we have to we divide ourself into two of who we feel we are, where we like misjudging ourselves and lot. And on the other side, we have who we think who we want, who we want others to see. And so there's this gap between who we are, who we like, really, when we're talking shit to ourselves and we like, are you dumb ass?
What did you do that you needed? And the person that we want to project of being and not the difference of that gap is the level of anxiety and fear that we have, because this is what public speaking is the fear of being exposed. Because when you speak like you can project like, oh yeah, I'm so wonderful and I do this and I'm so cool and charismatic. But when you stand up in front of people and you're shaking them like your mouth dry and you can't get words out, people see that you're human.
So a lot of the fear is. Are not taking yourself seriously and. Not trying to be something that, you know. Is just this is what I am like, you can't change the course that you've been given, it's just how do you apply those and not try and. It's like these people, that 10 year old taking pictures or like a flash cards and things to to give an impression or take pictures of themselves because that they could never afford.
What if he proved so hard up that they won't turn up for the date, that's what happens. They just don't turn up. They take it so far.
But then again, it's large and understand the mentality of you put a 10 year old dating picture and then you turn out like five stone. Hamdiya, I'm like 90 and you think, yeah, but I can just use black belts, I, I don't know.
I think also we need to be the Nancy Grace.
We need to accept ourselves, whatever it is that we have that makes us who we are and put a positive spin on it and own it. It's part of you. And don't let anybody take you down because of it. Because. I'm left handed and I get people saying all kinds of OK, accounted for. Welcome to the sisterhood, my love, and all of that and all your clumsy and all the rest of it. And my take is, my dear, the 10 percent of this world who have some of the most talented people who work, who are left handed.
You're looking at one. And if you can't cope with that later for you, because that is my take on it. I'm special. I'm one of the 10 percent. You are one of the many. So I'll get up. In other words, I am not going to let you put me down because I am because of a difference. Yeah. You know, and I think we all have differences and it's part of our identity, and we must not let anybody take it away from us, because then who are we without it?
Yeah, it's it's the the fragility is because we haven't accepted ourself and because we haven't accepted ourself, we are so much more fragile to what other people say. Because as soon as we accept ourself, it doesn't have an impact like like someone sends me on board here, I'm going. But some like some people can get really offended. I remember when I was at school, there was a teacher was was bored with me and he had wound up some of the kids and not them.
And then they left. And I know I'm old and he got furious is like, how can you talk to me like that? You asked for it. You started with them. And like, what did he think that it was?
Don't take if you can't take it, don't give it. That's the that's the bottom line. And he's not conscious of it.
Yeah. And this and this is the thing that some people like was the gap to like be fragile about something that you've got to see every day in the mirror, in the middle without always looking after to let it out.
I keep myself in front of a mirror, so I see.
But the signal does not do that. So I still.
May not at all well have been told, why don't you dye your hair? No, I have always loved salt and pepper hair. Now that I have salt and pepper hair, I am embracing my salt and pepper hair later for you all. But, you know, it doesn't cost me a dime. I don't have to buy dye. I need to give it a rest. It's my choice, you know, to feel, you know, Santa.
That's a sexy part. You know, that's your sexy part.
But not so more about it, because that is that the goal is to take it away from him. That's what you have to do to survive.
OK, I know, but I think we all have things about ourselves that we should not let people make us feel smaller than we are. And I think we take that into a relationship, you know, and that leaves you open to denigration, to belittling, to all kinds of things. If things start to go wrong in a relationship, oh, why are you dressing like that? You are to this year to that you are too old for that outfit.
I mean, hell, you don't tell me that because I will dress all at once. Sorry, I'm a rebel. OK, just just think. OK, I accept it. All I'm saying is that you have to be willing to figure out who you are and hold on to that sense of self and who you are and what it is that is about you that makes you who you are. Because if you allow people to strip it away from you, that to me is what starts the downhill slide in New York.
It's all about it's all about you. So when people have really bad. Can you still hear me?
And the minds that can actually come up as a problem when people. So aside from someone grabbing you and like, physically hurting you, the only way that someone can hurt you or that you can be vulnerable in the relationship is because of a fragility in yourself. And we are we are built from like from the from from the way that we grow up. If we do nothing, there's inbuilt fragility and vulnerabilities. And these play out in relationships. And unless we consciously break the model that we have and rebuild it stronger, those vulnerabilities get played out.
So someone who wants to control you is someone who wants to manipulate. All of that happens. And it's because if something someone else put in that made you feel insecure that you weren't aware of or have never addressed, and we don't we typically don't unless we've had a problem. Or like said, Yanase has talked about that that whole conscious drive. Most people grow from a break up. Most people grow from the pain. But yeah, it's really if you can really get to know yourself except yourself, then you become invulnerable to other people, apart from obviously someone physically grabbing you and abducting you or doing something.
The rest of it is emotional, psychological, which is about your capacity, your capacity to not be manipulated or not be controlled. OK, well, thank you, everyone. I can see how my little puppies amount.
What's his name? I guess rebel.
I was after he was out there for everybody and you it first. And I'm like like a strong night guy.
So you've got to bring him. Yeah, well, you've got to introduce him to us all.
Well, yeah, yeah. Um, I don't know if he's right there, but maybe next week. Guys. You know, OK, Auburn, hello to add to the discussion. OK. All right. So I have to think about topics. If anyone's got any ideas for a future, I'm thinking about working because it's difficult. Going from. Like an established group with new people coming in of last week for catch up. So we need to think about that.
Anyway, I'll probably send something out in the week, but if you got any ideas of topics, then let me know. OK, we'll have to wait and see next week as people choose why they buy.